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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs: Oh....It's been ummm........ days since the last List.......

    13 of the finest double-entendres that ever aired on British TV & Radio.

    1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

    2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

    3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

    4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

    5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

    6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: 'You’d eat beaver if you could get it.'

    7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

    8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday.'

    9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

    10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.'

    11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.'

    12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

    13. A female commentator asks Ally Mcoist - after he is taken off before half time - 'So Ally, how does it feel being pulled off at half time' - to which he answered - 'It's gotta be better than cream cakes and tea!!!'

    **************************


    Political Truths

    You do not have to be Political to appreciate these profound statements

    1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that: one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

    2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

    3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

    4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

    5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
    -- George Bernard Shaw

    6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

    7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
    -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

    8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

    9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
    -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

    10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

    11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it, and if it stops moving, subsidise it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

    12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

    13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
    -- P.J. O'Rourke

    14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

    15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

    16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
    -- Mark Twain (1866)

    17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

    18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a healthy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

    19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

    20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

    21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

    22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

    23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

    24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

    **************************


    AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE:

    IN GENERAL:
    1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
    2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
    3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

    DINING OUT:
    1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
    1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE:
    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
    3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

    DATING:
    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago."
    3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say 'Monday'. If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE:
    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
    2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

    WEDDINGS:
    1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sights.
    2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo-bar doesn't always have the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.



    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: Oh....It's been ummm........ days since the last List.......

    These classified were really put in the paper - a smile for your day

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father, Super Dog .. . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
    Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
    Better be a big reward.

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer £100.

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once by mistake.... Call Stephanie.

    And the best one:

    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

  3. #3
    Senior in age member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: Oh....It's been ummm........ days since the last List.......

    Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their
    car.
    They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the
    windshield.

    "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn,
    "What shall we do?"

    "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
    and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

    "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican, " says Sister Helen.
    Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

    "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
    “Show him your cross” says Sister Helen.


    "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

    She opens the window and shouts, "Get the
    fxxk off our car!"

  4. #4
    mean eating machine ronyville's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: Oh....It's been ummm........ days since the last List.......

    The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
    anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

    "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
    prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
    prisoner in the prison.

    And then they made love for the first time.

    Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

    Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

    Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

    After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
    the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
    a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

    The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
    born foal.

    Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

    She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

    Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
    OKAY!
    Life is a struggle
    It's a fight till the end
    So keep your head up
    And fight like a man

    "If you can believe than you can achieve" - Tupac Shakur

  5. #5
    IT Consultant johcar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: Oh....It's been ummm........ days since the last List.......

    Signs You've Bought a Lemon of a Car:

    As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

    The jumper cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

    The bonnet has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

    The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear licence plate has been removed.

    You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

    As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.

    When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked just down the road from your driveway. As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.

    The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."


    ************************


    Some Useful Condescending Phrases

    (they probably only work properly if you are a Evil Overlord).

    1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
    2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
    6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
    14. How about never? Is never good for you?
    15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
    16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
    17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
    19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
    21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
    22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
    23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
    24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
    26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

    PS. I can easily visualise Metla using many of these in his day-to-day activities

    It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. -William G. McAdoo, lawyer and politician (1863-1941)

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