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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

    Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!

    ************************************


    Eight Words with two Meanings

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ner-a-bull) adj.
    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male.... Playing football with only three defenders.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shun) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
    Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (Ree-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

    ************************************


    He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
    She said . ... You wear pants don't you?

    He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

    He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
    She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

    He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

    She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
    He said . . . A widow.

    He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
    She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

    ************************************


    Warning
    If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line,
    do not open it. It might contain a virus.

    If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject
    line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton

    ************************************


    Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they prefer to operate on.

    The first surgeon says: I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.

    The second responds: 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.

    The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

    The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like Construction Workers ... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over after the job is finished.

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no brains, no heart, no balls, no guts and no spine. Plus, the head and the arse are completely interchangeable.

    ************************************


    These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

    ADULT:
    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    BEAUTY PARLOR:
    A place where women curl up and dye.

    CANNIBAL:
    Someone who is fed up with people.

    CHICKENS:
    The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

    COMMITTEE:
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST:
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST:
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    HANDKERCHIEF:
    Cold Storage.

    INFLATION:
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    MOSQUITO:
    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    RAISIN:
    Grape with a sunburn.

    SECRET:
    Something you tell to one person at a time.

    SKELETON:
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

    TOOTHACHE:

    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW:
    One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

    YAWN:
    An honest opinion openly expressed.



    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Correct my English!
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    Ta for the jokes. Have a nice trip tomorrow!

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  3. #3
    Smiling Down On Youse SurferJoe46's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    Error Messages


    BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

    Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

    Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

    COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

    Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

    Error reading FAT record. Try SKINNY one? (Y/N)

    File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

    Invalid mouse movement.

    Press any key except… No, No, No, NOT THAT ONE!

    Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

    Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

    This is a message from God Gates: “Reboot the world. Please log off.”

    This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

    To “shut down” your system, type “WIN”

    User Error: Replace User.

    WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL&PAPER.SYS)

    Windows Message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

    Windows VirusScan 1.0 - “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

    Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on their way.

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


    A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

    After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

    “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


    Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”


    Warum werden wir so früh alt und klug so spät?

  4. #4
    Smiling Down On Youse SurferJoe46's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    Sunday morning (here) and some time on my hands = SURFING, DUDE!

    ...and finally, some of the New Terms In Chemistry for all you organic types in NZ...but especially for Jamuz:

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

    Atomic Theory
    : A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer’s eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist’s view of astrology as the mother of all science.

    Bacon, Roger
    : An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.

    Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.

    Bunsen Burner
    : A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.

    Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol.

    CAI: Acronym for “Computer-Aided Instruction”. The modern system of training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated research.

    Cavendish
    : A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.

    Chemical: A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor; 2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line; 4) a biochemist turns into a helix; 5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.

    Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

    Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.

    Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)

    Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration of two or more elements.

    Computer Resources
    : The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released.

    Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.

    En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.

    Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year’s time.

    Exhaustive Methylation
    : A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion.

    First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.

    Flame Test: Trial by fire.

    Genetic Engineering
    : A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing informally all along.

    Grignard
    : A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life.

    Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

    Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered.

    Monomer
    : One mer. (Compare POLYMER).

    Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease.

    Organic Chemistry
    : The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.

    Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.

    Pass/Fail
    : An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer.

    Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).

    Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.

    Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.

    Polymer
    : Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).

    Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren’t).

    Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members.

    Purple Passion
    : A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape juice and lab alcohol.

    Quantum Mechanics
    : A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state.

    Rate Equations
    : (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.

    Research
    : (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.

    Sagan: The international unit of negative humility.

    Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.

    SI: Acronym for “Systeme Infernelle”.

    Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.

    Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.

    Toxicology
    : The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).

    X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.

    Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell’s father.


    Warum werden wir so früh alt und klug so spät?

  5. #5
    Correct my English!
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    http://zoocow.com/jokes/files/2008/03/21.jpg - SurferJoe, your broken link has been repaired.

    And thanks for all the awesome terms!

    (Ooh, the lecturer has just replied to my e-mail, but she did not explain in greater detail when should Lithium Diisopropylamide (LDA) be used to remove a proton from an enolate).

    Cheers

    Free, 24/7 telephone health advice service | Healthline - 0800 611 116

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  6. #6
    Short Member pcuser42's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Billy T View Post
    Warning
    If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line,
    do not open it. It might contain a virus.

    If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Helen Clark" in the subject
    line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Helen Clark.
    "He who resorts to personal insults hath lost the argument."

    Twitter

  7. #7
    IT Consultant johcar's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    Quote Originally Posted by SurferJoe46 View Post
    Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing informally all along.
    ....
    I always understood that engineers had difficulty in attracting the opposite sex....

    It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. -William G. McAdoo, lawyer and politician (1863-1941)

  8. #8
    Señor Member nofam's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES



    1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

    2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

    3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

    4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

    5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

    6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

    7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

    8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

    9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


    .
    .
    .

    Got a natural pearl in my calloused hand
    ...Saved for the girl who could really understand
    ......What it takes to see
    .........The gold from the alchemy

  9. #9
    Member Marnie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ............Sunday Evening Edition, have to leave at 4:15am :(

    NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS


    BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
    himself for a financial genius.

    BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
    the wife gets no jewellery and the husband gets no sex.

    VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

    P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
    market keeps crashing.

    BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

    STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

    STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

    STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
    equally between themselves.

    FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

    MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

    CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

    YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

    WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
    Yahoo @ $240 per share.

    INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

    PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

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