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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs: .....US History, and other oddities to help get Georgia off your mind!

    IT WAS MARCH 16, 1836

    On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo, where 183 men waited to do battle. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

    William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the horde of over 7000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said,

    "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

    ******************************


    The Bureaucrat

    A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher.

    He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

    The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

    The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go where ever I wish on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

    Some time later the rancher heard a loud scream and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

    The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out ...........

    "YOUR CARD! YOUR CARD! . . . . . . SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!"

    ******************************


    Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a building supplies MegaStore when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.

    "The young guy says, That's OK, but what a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

    The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

    The young guy says, Well, she's 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, great tan, long legs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

    The old guy says, "Doesn't matter -- let's look for yours."

    ******************************


    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I am gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

    Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

    Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

    Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

    Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    mikebartnz
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .....US History, and other oddities

    An American Is in a bar in Wellington and was talking to the barman. He said "I hear Wellington is the arse hole of New Zealand" and the barman replied "I see you are just passing through."

  3. #3
    IT Consultant johcar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .....

    Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

    Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

    They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

    Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

    "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

    Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

    "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

    "Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

    Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

    Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

    Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

    It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. -William G. McAdoo, lawyer and politician (1863-1941)

  4. #4
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Monday Laughs: .....US History, and other oddities to help get Georgia off your mind!

    The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Todd—who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket—went in to try out for the job.

    "Okay," the sheriff began, "Todd, what is 1 and 1?"

    "Eleven," he replied.

    The sheriff thought, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

    "What two days of the week start with the letter T?"

    "Today and tomorrow."

    The sheriff was again surprised that Todd had supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

    "Now, Todd, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

    Todd looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."

    "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

    So Todd wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

    Todd was exultant: "It went great! First day on the job, and I'm already working on a murder case!"

    ************************************************** ****

    For all of us who are married, were married, wish
    you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
    is something to smile about the next time you see a
    bottle of wine:

    Sally was driving home from one of her business
    trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
    Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
    the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
    a ride.

    With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
    the car.

    Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
    a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
    woman just sat silently, looking intently at
    everything she saw, studying every little detail,
    until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
    Sally.

    'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

    Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
    a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
    two.

    Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
    she said:

    'Good trade......'

  5. #5
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .....US History, and other oddities to help get Georgia off your m

    Tuesday Bonus

    THE SPEECH THERAPIST

    A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with the Stammerers Action Group.

    She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

    Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said:

    "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your eyes water and your muscles ache .

    So, who wants to go first?"

    The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

    "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

    "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

    The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London"!!

    "Brilliant, Paddy" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:

    "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  6. #6
    Señor Member nofam's Avatar
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    Default Monday Laughs: .....US History, and other oddities to help get Georgia off your mind!

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham
    sandwich.

    The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're
    a duck."

    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

    "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

    "I see your ears are working, too," says the
    duck. "Now if you don't mind,can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

    "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as
    he pulls the duck's pint.
    "It's just we don't get many ducks in this
    pub. What are you doing round
    this way?"

    "I'm working on the building site across the
    road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
    to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from
    his bag and proceeds to read it.

    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his
    sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

    The same thing happens for two weeks.

    Then one day the circus comes to town.

    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman
    says to him
    "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
    just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads
    the newspaper and everything!"

    "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing
    over his business card.

    "Get him to give me a call."

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman
    says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying
    really good money."

    "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

    "At the circus," says the barman.

    "The circus?" repeats the duck.

    "That's right," replies the barman.

    "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

    "Yeah," the barman replies.

    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
    caravans?" says the duck.

    "Of course," the barman replies.

    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
    middle?" persists the duck.

    "That's right!" says the barman.

    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... . .
    .

    .

    .

    .

    .


    "What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
    .
    .
    .

    Got a natural pearl in my calloused hand
    ...Saved for the girl who could really understand
    ......What it takes to see
    .........The gold from the alchemy

  7. #7
    Madre Dios!!! beeswax34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .....US History, and other oddities to help get Georgia off

    Wait, the duck one isnt funny at all.
    All the technology and software in the universe is useless when the end user has the IQ of a sack of hammers.

  8. #8
    Senior Member roddy_boy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .....US History, and other oddities to help get Georgia off

    I thought it was hilarious. Much better than the others.

  9. #9
    Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .....US History, and other oddities to help get Georgia off

    Quote Originally Posted by beeswax34 View Post
    Wait, the duck one isnt funny at all.
    Speak for yourself, I LMAO!

  10. #10
    Lets play Metla's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .US History, and other oddities to help get Georgia off your mind!

    The duck one is excellent.
    better Dredd then dead

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