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  1. #1
    Unknown Device wratterus's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Where the jokes at y'all?

    Since the Olympics are fast approaching...


    WESTIE OLYMPICS

    (you might have to be an Aucklander for this one....)

    WAITAKERE CITY - OLYMPICS 2008
    In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
    committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
    organisers of Waitakere City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
    schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

    OPENING CEREMONY.
    The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
    city (preferably from the New Lynn area), wearing the traditional balaclava.
    The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof
    of the stadium.

    THE EVENTS.
    In previous Olympic games, Waitakere's competitors have not been
    particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
    events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

    100 METRES SPRINT.
    Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
    each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
    released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

    100 METRES HURDLES.
    As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
    fences, walls etc.).

    HAMMER THROW.
    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer (claw, sledge etc)
    The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm
    to members of the public within the time allowed.

    FENCING.
    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
    jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

    SHOOTING.
    A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
    first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
    competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas
    style wages delivery man.

    BOXING.
    Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
    take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Red
    while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
    home. The bout will then commence.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS.
    Competitors will be asked to break into the Kelston Boy's bike shed
    and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
    country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

    CYCLING PURSUIT.
    As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
    rugby team, who will witness the theft.

    MODERN PENTATHLON.
    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
    arson.

    THE MARATHON.
    A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with
    sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

    SWIMMING.
    Competitors will be thrown off a bridge over the Whau Creek. The first
    three survivors back will decide the medals.

    MENS 50KM WALK.
    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
    the safety of anyone walking the streets of Waitakere City.

    GYMNASTICS.
    Will now be held in an abandoned meat works, and will include carcass
    vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.

    RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS.
    All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica

    RELAY.
    Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house
    in New Lynn and getting back to Henderson using at least four stolen cars.

    WRESTLING.
    The rules will now specify that competitors must be topless and jelly will be involved.

    BASEBALL.
    Requires contestants to line up with steel baseball bats. The medal will be
    awarded to the last man standing.

    DISCUS.
    Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and
    throw it to his mate the fastest.

    ROWING.
    The 500 metre skull will be changed to the 500 litre skull and promises to
    be the most hotly contested event. Many, many, many athletes are currently in training.

    THE CLOSING CEREMONY.
    Entertainment will include formation rave-dancing by the members of the
    Titirangi Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
    rock throwing and music by the Henderson Community Choir. The Olympic
    flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
    onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
    The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
    it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.








    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
    Eventually, Michael the arch angel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "it's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth.

    There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the w@nkers I'm putting next to them.
    Last edited by wratterus; 08-07-2008 at 01:10 PM.
    Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

  2. #2
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    Joke of the week...

    iphone prices

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  3. #3
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    Wow - re the Olympics

    I was a child in New Lynn in the 40's/50's Was a great place to live then. Been out of Auckland for 45 yrs, sounds like New Lynn might have changed a bit??

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  4. #4
    Unknown Device wratterus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    Quote Originally Posted by kenj View Post
    Wow - re the Olympics

    I was a child in New Lynn in the 40's/50's Was a great place to live then. Been out of Auckland for 45 yrs, sounds like New Lynn might have changed a bit??

    Ken
    I wouldn't know Ken, relative in Auckland sent me that a while back.
    Last edited by wratterus; 08-07-2008 at 01:52 PM.
    Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

  5. #5
    Bleakly Optomistic
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    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    I grew up in New Lynn in the 80's and 90's. Went to school at Liston College in Henderson.

    It wasn't quite as bad as that, but I had a slightly knowing chuckle at all of them.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    It's not New Lynn, but a similar Auckland suburb.

    The Auckland Blues manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new player to hopefully win them the Super 14 again. One scout informed him of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flew to Iraq to watch him, was suitably impressed and arranged for him to come over to play for the Blues.

    Two weeks later, The Blues were 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders with only 20 minutes left. The coach gave the young Iraqi winger the nod to go on.

    The lad was a sensation, scored 6 tries in 20 minutes and won the game for the Blues. The fans were delighted, the players and coaches ecstatic, and the media loved the new star.

    When he came off the field he phoned his mum to tell her about his first day playing rugby for the Blues.

    "Hi mum, guess what?" he said. "I Played for 20 minutes today, we were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

    "Great," said his mum, "now let me tell you about my day. Your father was shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you were having a great time.

    The young lad was very upset. "What can I say mum, I'm so sorry."

    "Sorry?!" said his mum "It's your fault that we moved to Manurewa in the first place!"
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  7. #7
    Unknown Device wratterus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

  8. #8
    Senior Member pctek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    Quote Originally Posted by wratterus View Post

    WESTIE OLYMPICS
    You have West AUckland confused with South Auckland.

    What 's the difference between a penis and a prick?A penis gives hours of fun, and a prick owns the penis.


    An Englishman, an Australian, and a Maori are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.The head of the tribe says to the Englishman, "What do you want on your back for your whipping? "The Englishman responds, "I will take oil! " So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the Englishman has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul him away, and say to the Australian "What do you want on your back? " "I will take nothing! " says the Aussie, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back? " the Amazons ask the Maori. He responds, "I 'll take the Aussie. "

  9. #9
    Unknown Device wratterus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    My bad, I copied and pasted. Should have proof read.
    Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

  10. #10
    Junior Member
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    Default Re: Where the jokes at y'all?

    I think the joke of the day is NZs iphone pricing.

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