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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs: .......Kids 'N Stuff

    A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit, complete with pager attached. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!' The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy’s ear to be quiet.

    A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!' The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

    After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

    *************************


    A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, and you'll get fired!"

    She sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!"

    ************************


    Discrimination at School

    Teacher says to the first child "hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?" Becky replies " I have been playing in the sand box"

    "Very good" says the teacher "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit"

    Becky duly goes and writes 's-a-n-d' on the blackboard.

    "Very good" says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

    The teacher then says "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?"

    Freddie replies "playing with Becky in the sand box"

    "Very good" says the teacher. " If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit"

    Freddie duly goes and writes 'b-o-x' on the blackboard.

    "Very good" says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

    Teacher then says "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?"

    "No" replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names"

    "Oh dear" says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -

    I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the blackboard I will give you a biscuit too"

    *************************


    A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet, and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girlhad tied one wagon hitch to her dog's collar and the other to her cat's testicles.

    "Little Pardner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .......Kids 'N Stuff

    Nice One Billy - always good for a laugh first thing in the morning on a Monday


    Oldie But ---

    The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

    Grumpy leads the pack.
    'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
    The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

    In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

    Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

    Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

    The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..



    'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

    Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

    Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
    The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

    The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

    Grumpy shagged a penguin!
    Grumpy shagged a penguin!'


    _________________________________________

    A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing.

    He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

    He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'

    The man looks around and doesn't See anyone.

    Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

    He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.


    Boom!
    He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

    He is shocked.

    He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.


    You must be a lucky frog, eh?

    The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'


    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

    'What do you think frog?' The man asks.

    'Ribbit 3 wood.'

    The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

    The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say.

    By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and
    asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'

    The frog replies, 'RibbitLas Vegas.

    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'

    The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

    Upon approaching the roulette table,The man asks,What do you think I should Bet?'

    The frog replies,'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

    Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
    Figures what the heck.

    Boom!

    Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table !!

    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

    He sits the frog down and Says,'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
    You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

    The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'

    He figures why not, Since after all the frog did for Him,

    He deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.



    'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

    So help me God


    Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'
    Update / Upgrades = Replace old bugs with new ones.

  3. #3
    Frank and Earnest. Cicero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .......Kids 'N Stuff

    Short and sweet,another oldie.

    Subject: IRISH PROSTITUTE:




    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

    'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

    The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

    'Yer what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

    'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.

    For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

    And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...' She is then interrupted by her Dad.

    'Hold on girl, Now what was it ye said ye had become?'

    Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

    'Oh! Be Jesus girl! Ye scared me half to death!

    I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
    "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." Cicero

  4. #4
    Unknown Device wratterus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .......Kids 'N Stuff

    Waiuni - I haven't heard that 2nd one before. Best one I've heard in ages!!! Cheers.
    Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

  5. #5
    Frank and Earnest. Cicero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .......Kids 'N Stuff

    It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
    As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
    He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
    "Heavens no, we bought it."
    "Then why don't you drive it away."
    We can't drive."
    Then why did you buy it?"
    "We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
    "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." Cicero

  6. #6
    Gone Erayd's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .......Kids 'N Stuff

    If you are interested in reading fanfiction on a mobile device or ebook reader, please visit flagfic.com.

  7. #7
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .......Kids 'N Stuff

    A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
    Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

    Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

    He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

    And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

  8. #8
    Frank and Earnest. Cicero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs: .......Kids 'N Stuff

    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'



    Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now.'



    Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.



    Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'



    Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.



    Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'



    Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towardshim. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'



    But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger.



    Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'



    Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'



    Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'



    Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'



    Wonder replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'



    Woods thinks about it and says, 'OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'



    Stevie says, 'Pick a night!'
    "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." Cicero

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