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  1. #1
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Jokes

    haven't had any for a while, I'll start:

    My roommate says I have schizophrenia.
    Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.


    A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

    The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys!"



    What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?
    Returning to the scene of the crime.


    If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?


    A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out. The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.” The physicist offers a different explanation, “There must have been an error in measurement.” Then, the mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.”

    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”


    If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... Oh wait, he does.
    Ex-pctek

  2. #2
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Jokes

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him ' Father, I have a problem. I have just bought a female parrot
    but she seems to know only one thing to say.'

    'What does she say?' the priest inquired.

    She says, 'Hi, I'm a hooker! Do you want to have some fun?'

    ' I can see your problem. That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

    Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
    I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
    Bring your parrot over to my house and we'll put it the cage with Francis and Peter.
    My parrots can teach your parrot to praise and worship. We should fix your parrot . . in no time.'
    'Thank you,' the woman responded,

    The next day, she brought her parrot to the priest's house.
    As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
    Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrot in with them.

    After a few moments, the female parrot cried out: “Hi, I'm a hooker! Do you want to have some fun?'

    There was stunned silence.

    Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been
    answered!”

  3. #3
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Not a written joke, but its doing thousands of shares on Facebook and Twitter.........

    All was going well until A Real Rabbit Turned Up.... https://streamable.com/zjcwcc

    Man can they move

  4. #4
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by wainuitech View Post
    All was going well until A Real Rabbit Turned Up.... https://streamable.com/zjcwcc
    LOL, I think the one in red? won?
    Probably the best day they had in ages.....some sad stuff in the news about greyhounds lately.
    Ex-pctek

  5. #5
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by wainuitech View Post
    All was going well until A Real Rabbit Turned Up....
    Brilliant!
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  6. #6
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Ha ha... wonder how one of my Corgis from recent times would have done in the chase?

    Ken

  7. #7
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes

    For the life of me, I can't figure out how my parents used to entertain themselves in the days before TV was commonplace?

    I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't have a clue either!

    Ken

  8. #8

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by kenj View Post
    For the life of me, I can't figure out how my parents used to entertain themselves in the days before TV was commonplace?

    I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't have a clue either!

    Ken
    Yes, very good, Ken.

    We used to gather around and listen to the radio in the evenings. They had comedy shows such as "Life With Dexter." That was always good fun, but not as good as your parents!
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  9. #9
    Senior Member paulw's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Roscoe View Post
    Yes, very good, Ken.

    We used to gather around and listen to the radio in the evenings. They had comedy shows such as "Life With Dexter." That was always good fun, but not as good as your parents!
    Ah life with Dexter. Great series https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...r+radio+series
    Regards,

    Paul W
    Taco Bell is not a Mexican telephone company

  10. #10
    Old dick-head
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    Default Re: Jokes

    On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
    "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips put you above the rest of us.
    Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
    The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap !!!!!"

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