Jokes

[piroska]

haven't had any for a while, I'll start:

My roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.


A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys!"



What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?
Returning to the scene of the crime.


If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?


A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out. The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.” The physicist offers a different explanation, “There must have been an error in measurement.” Then, the mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.”

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”


If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... Oh wait, he does.

[smithie 38]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him ' Father, I have a problem. I have just bought a female parrot
but she seems to know only one thing to say.'

'What does she say?' the priest inquired.

She says, 'Hi, I'm a hooker! Do you want to have some fun?'

' I can see your problem. That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your parrot over to my house and we'll put it the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrot to praise and worship. We should fix your parrot . . in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded,

The next day, she brought her parrot to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrot in with them.

After a few moments, the female parrot cried out: “Hi, I'm a hooker! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been
answered!”

[wainuitech]

Not a written joke, but its doing thousands of shares on Facebook and Twitter.........

All was going well until A Real Rabbit Turned Up.... https://streamable.com/zjcwcc

Man can they move

[kenj]

Ha ha... wonder how one of my Corgis from recent times would have done in the chase?

Ken

[piroska]

All was going well until A Real Rabbit Turned Up.... https://streamable.com/zjcwcc

LOL, I think the one in red? won?
Probably the best day they had in ages.....some sad stuff in the news about greyhounds lately.

[kenj]

For the life of me, I can't figure out how my parents used to entertain themselves in the days before TV was commonplace?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't have a clue either!

Ken

[decibel]

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips put you above the rest of us.
Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap !!!!!"

[piroska]

Lol decibel....

[kenj]

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM:
“YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID,
“I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "YES."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "YES."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.


And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government.
This practice remains unbroken to this day.

Ken

[B.M.]

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM:
“YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID,
“I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "YES."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "YES."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.


And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government.
This practice remains unbroken to this day.

Ken

Classic!

Wouldn't that be the truth!