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Thread: Joke

  1. #1
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Joke

    ALien: Why should I not blow up the planet

    Human: We're an advanced species

    Alien: How do you travel?

    Human: We light dead dinosaurs on fire
    Ex-pctek

  2. #2
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Joke

    Gonorrhea Lectim. Health authorities have issued a warning about a new
    virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.
    It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and is capable of crippling cities
    and countries around the world. There is a particularly virulent strain
    in New Zealand that is highly infectious, and very widely spread.

    The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior
    involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted
    it in 2020 when they re-elected Jacinda Ardern’s Labour back into power
    and are now starting to realize how just destructive this sickness is.

    It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just
    coming on the market called Votemout. It's pronounced "Vote-em-out." It
    can be picked up at your local pharmacy without a doctor's prescription.
    You take the first dose now as local body elections are around corner,
    and the national election is not too far away, otherwise, Gonorrhea
    Lectim could eventually wipe out all life as we presently know it in New
    Zealand.

    Ken

  3. #3
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Joke

    Very good Ken.
    Global Warming is Mann made.

    Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
    .
    The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

  4. #4
    Senior Member paulw's Avatar
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    Default Re: Joke

    Love it.
    Regards,

    Paul W
    Taco Bell is not a Mexican telephone company

  5. #5
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Joke

    Marriage Counsellor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
    Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

  6. #6
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Joke

    At St. Anthony's Catholic Church in Hawthorn, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,

    "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

    The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

    Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
    Global Warming is Mann made.

    Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
    .
    The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

  7. #7
    Computer "Specialist" Agent_24's Avatar
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    Default Re: Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by kenj View Post
    Gonorrhea Lectim. Health authorities have issued a warning about a new
    virulent strain of this old disease....
    Many victims contracted
    it in 2020 when they re-elected Jacinda Ardern’s Labour back into power ...
    "Vote-em-out." It
    can be picked up at your local pharmacy without a doctor's prescription.
    You take the first dose now as local body elections are around corner,
    and the national election is not too far away, otherwise, Gonorrhea
    Lectim could eventually wipe out all life as we presently know it in New
    Zealand.
    Hilarious.

    Try telling me with a straight face that the American suck-ups (National) wouldn't have followed Trump's stupidity and denied Covid long enough that we'd be in the same position as USA now.
    Non-system disk or disk error. Replace and strike any key when ready.

  8. #8
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Joke

    A joke for lockdown

    1. To the men out there – if you had to choose between a wonderful women or a car, would you choose petrol, diesel or a hybrid?

    2. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    3. I intend to live forever- so far so good.

    4. I would kill for a Nobel peace prize.

    5. Waitress, can I ask you about the menu please. Waitress: the men I please are none of your business

    6. If you want to see social distancing, lend someone some money.

    7. Whatever you do give 100%; unless you are giving blood.

    8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

    9. A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 4 and 5. He seemed irritated when I said kindergarten.

    10. Job interview – Tell me about yourself. I would rather not, I kinda want this job.

    Ken

  9. #9

    Default Re: Joke

    Two men broke into a pharmacy and stole all the Viagra.

    The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  10. #10
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Joke

    A New York radio station gathered the following quotes from primary school essays on classical music:

    Refrain means don't do it. In music it's the part you better not sing.

    Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was rather large.

    Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

    Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have heard of.

    Aaron Copland is a contemporary composer. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
    Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

    I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

    Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

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