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Thread: Tuesdays Laugh

  1. #1
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Tuesdays Laugh

    Tax ☹ffice

    Whether you are an Aussie or not, I think you will find this one amusing and oh so true.

    The Australian Tax Office actually commented on this one, emphasising the importance of accuracy in tax returns.

    The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently answered one of the questions.

    In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"


    The man wrote,

    "2.1 million illegal immigrants,

    1.1 million crackheads,

    4.4 million unemployable scroungers,

    80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus

    450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'retired politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'

    The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable."

    The man responded by asking ATO, "Who did I leave out?"
    Global Warming is Mann made.

    Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
    .
    The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

  2. #2
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tuesdays Laugh

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    Ex-pctek

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Tuesdays Laugh

    A tour bus driver was driving a bus load of seniors down a highway when he was tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady..
    She offered him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munched up..
    After about 15 minutes, she tapped him on the shoulder again and handed him another handful of almonds…
    She repeated the gesture about five times.
    When she was about to hand him another batch again, he asked the little old lady,
    “Why don’t you eat the almonds yourself?”
    “We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth!” she replied.
    “Why do you buy them then?” the puzzled driver asked
    The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them…”


    Nicknames:
    • “My dad had a mate who has got half his ear missing and his nick-name was ‘18 months’ because he’s only got an ear and a half!”
    • “I had a boss called ‘Drill Bit’ because he was a small boring tool. ”
    • “I worked for a guy who had one small hand and one big hand. He was known as ‘The Clock’ ”
    • “I once worked at a factory and there was this guy called KETH. It took me ages to realise his name was KEITH – but he had an eye missing”
    • “There’s a guy at work who has one leg shorter than the other, which causes his head to bob from side to side when he walks. So they call him the ‘Sniper’s Nightmare.’ ”


    Boomer Joke
    I asked my daughter to pass me a phone book. She laughed at me, called me a boomer and lent me her iPad.
    So, the spider is dead, the iPad is broken and my daughter is furious.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Tuesdays Laugh

    Answering machine message:- "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

    BORED?
    CALL A WOMANS RIGHTS GROUP AND ASK TO SPEAK TO THE MAN IN CHARGE.

    Curtain Rods
    On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes,
    crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, he had the movers come and collect
    his things.

    On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their
    beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some
    soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
    a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

    When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and
    deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the
    hollow center of the curtain rods.

    He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


    On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend,
    and at first all was bliss.

    Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything;
    cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

    Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam
    cleaned.

    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
    brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two
    had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid
    to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
    People stopped coming over to visit.

    Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

    Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
    they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
    their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky
    house.

    Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused
    to return their calls.

    Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to
    borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
    new place.

    Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were
    going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened
    politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would
    be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for
    having the house.

    Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really
    was, she agreed on a price only 1/10th of what the house
    had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers
    that very day.

    He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered
    the completed paperwork.

    A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling
    as they watched the moving company pack everything to
    take to their new home .......

    and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

    I LOVE A HAPPY

  5. #5
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Tuesdays Laugh

    Brilliant Neil, keep 'em coming.
    Global Warming is Mann made.

    Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
    .
    The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

  6. #6
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Tuesdays Laugh

    Description of cricket as played in England

    Two old men in white coats walk slowly on to a large field, each carrying three long sticks and two short ones.

    The old man each set their three sticks upright, 22 yards apart, and balance the two short sticks horizontally on the top of them.

    When they are satisfied with the alignment of these creations, they turn and look at twenty-two younger men who are milling about on the edge of the field.

    Then it rains.

  7. #7
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tuesdays Laugh

    LOl about the house joke, although anyone with a pet would have found it in 5 seconds. It happened to me once, a piece of meat dropped down back of freezer...cat told me....
    Ex-pctek

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