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Thread: Sunday Joke

  1. #1
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Sunday Joke

    Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the news – Mike is dead?’
    ‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
    ‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang – he hit the pavement, the car flipped over and he went crashing through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.’
    ‘Wow! What a horrible way to die!’

    ‘No, no, he survived that. That didn’t kill him. So, after landing in my upstairs bedroom, he was lying on the floor covered in broken glass. Then he spotted the big antique wardrobe we have in the room and reached for the handle to try and pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when – bang – this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.’
    ‘What a way to go! That’s terrible!’

    ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him: he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawled out onto the landing. There, he tried to pull himself up on the banister, but under his weight, the banister broke and he fell down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spun and fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.’
    ‘Gee! That is an awful way to go!’
    ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up by the cooker, but accidentally reached for a big pot of boiling water. Whoosh! The whole thing came down on him and burned off most of his skin.’
    ‘Man! What a way to go!’

    ‘No, no, he survived that. He was lying on the ground, covered in boiling water, and he spotted the phone. He thought he’d reach for the phone to call for help but instead, he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall. Well, water and electricity don’t mix, so he got electrocuted – boom – 10,000 volts shot through him.’
    ‘Now that is one horrible way to go!’
    ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him. He survived that, he . . .’
    ‘Hold on now, just how the hell did Mike die?’

    ‘I shot him!’
    ‘You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?’
    ‘He was wrecking my house!’
    Ex-pctek

  2. #2
    curmudgeon
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
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    419

    Default Re: Sunday Joke

    A priest goes duck hunting with a friend. They are in the duck blind when one flies by. The friend takes a shot and misses.

    “God dammit, I missed!”

    “Son,” says the priest. “That’s not pleasing to God and could land you in hell.”

    The friend just looks at the priest. A few minutes later, another duck flies by, the friend shoots and misses. “God Dammit, I missed again!”

    “My son,” says the priest. “Heed my words, that displeases God, and you will suffer the consequences.”

    A minute or two later a black cloud passes over. A lightning bolt streaks out of the sky, hits the priest, and kills him dead. The friend looks up to the heavens as a loud voice comes roaring down from above, “God dammit, I missed again.”

  3. #3
    Junior Member
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    Default Re: Sunday Joke

    Hey, thank you for this. I needed a laugh today.

  4. #4
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sunday Joke

    A politician was visiting a remote little rural town in Australia and asked the locals what the government could do for them.

    "We have two big needs,” said the towns people.

    “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

    The politician whipped out his iPhone, spoke for a while and then said,“I have sorted that out.

    A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

    The towns people replied, “We have no mobile phone reception in our town…...”

  5. #5

    Default Re: Sunday Joke

    My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.
    The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.”
    My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  6. #6
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sunday Joke

    When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
    A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
    "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad."
    The farmer stood there for a bit, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Albert getting my daughter Doris pregnant".
    The boy thought for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry. You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Albert. "

  7. #7
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Sunday Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by smithie 38 View Post
    When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
    A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
    "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad."
    The farmer stood there for a bit, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Albert getting my daughter Doris pregnant".
    The boy thought for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry. You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Albert. "
    I've met the boy.

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	Farm Boy.jpg 
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Size:	23.1 KB 
ID:	10878
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  8. #8
    Junior Member
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Sunday Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by piroska View Post
    Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the news – Mike is dead?’
    ‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
    ‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang – he hit the pavement, the car flipped over and he went crashing through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.’
    ‘Wow! What a horrible way to die!’

    ‘No, no, he survived that. That didn’t kill him. So, after landing in my upstairs bedroom, he was lying on the floor covered in broken glass. Then he spotted the big antique wardrobe we have in the room and reached for the handle to try and pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when – bang – this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.’
    ‘What a way to go! That’s terrible!’

    ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him: he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawled out onto the landing. There, he tried to pull himself up on the banister, but under his weight, the banister broke and he fell down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spun and fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.’
    ‘Gee! That is an awful way to go!’
    ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up by the cooker, but accidentally reached for a big pot of boiling water. Whoosh! The whole thing came down on him and burned off most of his skin.’
    ‘Man! What a way to go!’

    ‘No, no, he survived that. He was lying on the ground, covered in boiling water, and he spotted the phone. He thought he’d reach for the phone to call for help but instead, he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall. Well, water and electricity don’t mix, so he got electrocuted – boom – 10,000 volts shot through him.’
    ‘Now that is one horrible way to go!’
    ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him. He survived that, he . . .’
    ‘Hold on now, just how the hell did Mike die?’

    ‘I shot him!’
    ‘You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?’
    ‘He was wrecking my house!’
    You made my day

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