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Thread: Sunday’s Joke

  1. #1
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Sunday’s Joke

    Well you’ve got to wonder if there is anywhere else in the world you could get away with this S..T.

    Waikeria Prison riot:https://www.newshub.co.nz/home/new-z...-prisoners.htm
    Waikeria Prison riot: Prisoners light 'significant fires' overnight. HERE

    Anyway, always ready to help, I wonder if Prefect could fly the Helicopter if I supplied the Monsoon Buckets and we’ll put the fire out along with a bonus or two.

    Always trying to help B.M.
    Last edited by B.M.; 02-01-2021 at 07:20 PM.
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

    I take no responsibility for the accuracy of any media links I quote.

  2. #2
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    Remember this is a protest not a riot," he said. ----- This is definitely not a riot. Because if it was a riot, I'd be the first one that’s firing bullets at them. ... This a protest.
    Thats OK then, as long as its only a Protest.

    Let the hub and I go in to the men and we will have them down. This can stop today," says Gunnyo, a prisoner's mother.
    Wholly Shite -- if mum gets involved watch out, then they'll be in for it.

  3. #3
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by wainuitech View Post

    Wholly Shite -- if mum gets involved watch out, then they'll be in for it.
    Don't underestimate the power of any maternal SWMBO ... WWI may never have happened if Victoria had still been around to bang some of the (crowned) heads of Europe together
    Last edited by WalOne; 03-01-2021 at 06:52 AM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    I went to the doctors recently
    He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
    I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
    He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

  5. #5
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    Centuries ago, The Poet went to the seashore to be alone with his muse. He got sick, and he could barely get to the door when The Fisherman knocked. They talked for a bit, and The Fisherman asked what a Poet was. The poet recited some of his verses praise of various lady loves. “My Anna would really like that. I wish you could write one for her. I can only pay in fish, though.” “Fish don’t appeal. My mother used to give me chicken soup when I was sick. Could you get me a chicken?” “We don’t have many chickens, hereabouts. Would a shorebird do?” They agreed to try the bird, The Fisherman described his lady love, and they agreed to meet in two days’ time. “Did you get the poem written?” the fisherman asked when he’d knocked on the door again. ‘Indeed, I did. Did you bring the chicken?” “We don’t have many chickens. This is a tern.” They traded, and The Fisherman was very happy, as his Anna was very impressed. The exchange, though, was less beneficial to The Poet. Having taken a tern for the verse, he died.

  6. #6
    Computer "Specialist" Agent_24's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    Excellent.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    A blonde & her husband are lying in bed

    listening to the next-door neighbour's dog..
    It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
    She goes downstairs.

    The blonde finally comes back up to bed
    and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
    The blonde says,
    "I put the dog in our backyard,
    let's see how THEY like it!
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Two Blondes With Hammers..

    Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
    Lynn was nailing down house siding,
    would reach into her nail
    pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
    over her shoulder or nail it in.

    Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
    Why are you throwing those nails away?'
    Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'
    Judy got completely upset & yelled,
    'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
    They're for the other side of the house!'

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Did you hear about the two blondes
    who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

    They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    You might have to think twice about this one.

    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

    'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

    'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

    'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.....

    I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

    'So then?' asked the doctor.

    'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

    'So then?'

    'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

    Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
    You need to roll up the windows first.'

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde was shopping at Target &
    came across a shiny silver thermos.
    She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

    The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
    It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

    'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
    So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

    Her boss saw it on her desk.
    'What's that,' he asked?

    'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

    Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

    The blond replied......
    'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

    +++++++++++++

    AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

    A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out..

    Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

    The blonde replies,
    'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

    The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
    'Why don't you go home for the
    day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

    'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
    I need to keep my mind off it &
    I have the best chance of doing that here.'

    The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
    A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
    He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

    'What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?' he asks.

    'No!' exclaims the blonde.
    'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    At last, confirmation of Murphy's Law with a wonderful Irish explanation.

    Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands
    butter-side-up.

    He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the
    universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.

    So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

    He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't
    say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own
    eyes.

    He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the
    floor.

    "Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some
    buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over
    so that the butter was on top."

    "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

    "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter
    side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll
    have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it.
    He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."

    A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by
    scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is
    great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in
    much need tourism revenue.

    Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the
    final ruling.

    "It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in
    Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the
    Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other
    explanations must be ruled out.

    Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared "No Miracle",
    because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    Things Confucius did not say

    Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

    Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

    Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

    Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

    War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

    Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night. B

    It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

    Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

    Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .
    "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood!”

  10. #10
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Sunday’s Joke

    A brass band was engaged to play in the local park. Their contract said that they could pack up and go home if there was no audience, but if just one person was watching, they would have to play their entire one-hour program. The band began to play, the sun was shining, and there were 80 people sitting in deckchairs enjoying the music. Within ten minutes, the heavens opened, the wind gusted, and the audience ran to take shelter ... all except one man. The concert continued. Rain was lashing into the faces of the musicians, their sheets of music were being blown away ... but one man stubbornly remained seated.

    At the end of the concert, the sodden conductor approached the man and said: ‘You must really love brass band music’. The man replied: ‘Not really, but I had to wait until you finished playing because it’s my job to put the deckchairs away... ‘

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