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  1. #61
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Magic Sandals


    A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

    From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

    So the married couple walked in.
    The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
    man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
    being the Sex God that he was.

    The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

    The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

  2. #62
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

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    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  3. #63
    Junior Member
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Quote Originally Posted by B.M. View Post
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    Brilliant!!!

  4. #64
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Each morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine operation is always located.
    He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine guy gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look all without engaging in conversation.
    One morning the shoeshine guy asks the banker a question.
    “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?” he asks.
    The banker slowly lowers his paper and responds, somewhat arrogantly.
    “Why are you so interested in that?” the CEO banker replies?”
    "I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine guy says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
    “What is your name?” asks the CEO.
    “John Smith H.”
    The CEO arrives at the bank and call into his plush office the Manager of the Customer Department:
    “Do we have a client named John Smith H.?”
    “Yes – we certainly do,” answers the Customer Services Manager. “He is a highly valued customer. He has a million dollars in his account.”
    The CEO leaves the bank and approaches the shoeshine guy.
    “Mr. Smith, this coming Monday, would you be a guest of honour of ours at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”
    The shoeshine guy agrees.
    So, come Monday, at the board meeting, the CEO introduces the shoeshine guy to all the board members:
    “We all know Mr. Smith who makes our shoes shine so brilliantly from his business on the corner” the CEO says. “But what you may not know is that Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer of ours with a million dollars in his account. I have invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn something from him.”
    And the CEO sat down and gave the shoeshine guy the floor
    So, the shoeshine guy began his story:
    “I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.

  5. #65
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Very good Neil F....


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    Last edited by piroska; 14-09-2020 at 09:07 AM.
    Ex-pctek

  6. #66
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Donald Trump was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
    He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.
    He referred to how he had supported every Native American issue that came to the news media.
    Although Mr. Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic, and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers.
    At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle.
    The proud Mr. Trump accepted the plaque and then departed, in his motorcade, to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
    A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the Presidential Candidate.
    They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t it can no longer fly.

    Ken

  7. #67
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work"

  8. #68
    VoidMaster
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

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    It's not the least charm of a theory that it is refutable. The hundred-times-refuted theory of "free will" owes its persistence to this charm alone; some one is always appearing who feels himself strong enough to refute it - Friedrich Nietzsche

  9. #69
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Quote Originally Posted by zqwerty View Post
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    No sh*t man

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  10. #70

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Don't you think we've seen and heard enough Trump jokes by now? Jokes about Trump have been done to death and are just not funny any more. All previous jokes today were funny. The Trump so called jokes were not and neither was the comment. How about we give it a rest and come up with some real humour?
    Last edited by Roscoe; 14-09-2020 at 10:22 PM. Reason: typo
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

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