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  1. #41
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    He's back, for a while anyway HERE
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  2. #42
    Old guy
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Quote Originally Posted by B.M. View Post
    He's back, for a while anyway HERE
    That is excellent satire. I hope he is around to write a lot more in the future.

  3. #43
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Quote Originally Posted by CliveM View Post
    That is excellent satire. I hope he is around to write a lot more in the future.
    Indeed. +1
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  4. #44
    Old guy
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Click image for larger version. 

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  5. #45
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    How very American Wal

    Ken

  6. #46
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    This just shows we must not believe in google absolutely!




    Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue.....!

    A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

    The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.

    You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

    She agrees and a date is made.

    The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face & knocked him Arse over Tit.

    He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

    She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..




    "Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or a fence, no good in an open bed."
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  7. #47
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

    A new sign in the Bank reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are
    requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
    *******************************

    MALE PROCEDURE:

    1... Drive up to the cash machine.

    2. LOWER your car window.

    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

    6. Raise window.

    7. Drive off.

    ************************* ******
    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    (Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)



    1. Drive up to cash machine.

    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

    3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

    5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

    8. Insert card.

    9. Re-insert card the right way.

    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

    11. Enter PIN .

    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    13. Enter amount of cash required.

    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

    16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

    17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

    18. Re-check makeup.

    19. Drive forward 2 feet.

    20. Reverse back to cash machine.

    21. Retrieve card.

    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
    holder, and place card into the slot provided!

    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

    25. Redial person on mobile phone.

    26. Drive for 2 to 3 Kilometres

    27. Release Hand Brake.



    SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

    Ken

  8. #48
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    I don't own or use a handbag.
    I have to help both my brother and husband at ATMs, or eftpos in shops, especially brother, his vision is crap.

    Husband forgets...he rang me the other day to say the visa had declined in a shop...I didn't even ask, just said push CR not CHQ.
    Ex-pctek

  9. #49
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Quote Originally Posted by piroska View Post
    I don't own or use a handbag.
    Same as

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  10. #50
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY. BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS IN TRYING TO RESPOND TO ONLY ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.


    Wife: DO YOU DRINK BEER?

    Husband: YES


    Wife : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?

    Husband: USUALLY ABOUT THREE.


    Wife: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?

    Husband: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)


    Wife: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

    Husband: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.


    Wife: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

    Husband: CORRECT!


    Wife: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?

    Husband: CORRECT!


    Wife: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?



    Husband: DO YOU DRINK BEER?

    Wife: NO.


    Husband: WHERE'S YOUR AIRPLANE?

    Ken

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