Page 9 of 10 FirstFirst ... 2345678910 LastLast
Results 81 to 90 of 93
  1. #81
    Old dick-head
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    between Lower Hutt & Carterton
    Posts
    1,174

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a remote jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, warty, scabbed and pockmarked bandy-legged specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall and with a marked odour. "Smithers, old chap, tell your new CO about yourself."

    "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst Military Academy, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in fencing and equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

    Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to f*ck off."

  2. #82
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    27,765

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    * When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
    • To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
    • If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
    • Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00pm is the new midnight.
    • It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
    • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
    • When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
    • I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
    • I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
    • Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
    • When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
    • I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
    • I run like the winded.
    • I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
    • When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
    • I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
    • When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
    • I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
    • When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
    • Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
    • Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

  3. #83
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Mount Maunganui
    Posts
    7,528

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

    The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

    All the women raised their hands.

    Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?

    "Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

    The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

    Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message
    they received in response to their message.

    Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a
    while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who
    else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


    1. Who the hell is this?

    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

    3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

    4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

    5. I don't understand what you mean?

    6. What the hell did you do now?

    7. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?

    8. Am I dreaming?

    9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

    10 I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

    11 Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


    Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  4. #84
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    27,765

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    #6 is sometimes What I think right away

    Or another is "OK what idea do you have now that I'm expected to sort"
    Last edited by wainuitech; 19-09-2020 at 09:50 AM.

  5. #85
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Nhapier
    Posts
    5,408

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Saw this off topic comment on Bob Jones column regards the Non Green, Green Party from July 2020 It was in the comments section

    There is a recognised condition of Lupislipophobia – Urban Dictionary.

    “Lupislipophobia- The fear of being chased by timber wolves around a kitchen table on a newly waxed floor while wearing socks."

    And then went on to online on the Greens

    "Surely the Party in question ought best be described as Watermelons? Green on the surface, Red just below…"

    Ken
    Last edited by kenj; 21-09-2020 at 11:35 AM.

  6. #86
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    27,765

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

    Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

    They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

    So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

    The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

    The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

    “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

  7. #87
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Location
    With Kim-Jong-Mum
    Posts
    2,669

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
    New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
    Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
    New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
    Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
    New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
    Neighbor 1: "That is right."
    New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
    Neighbor 1: "Right again."
    New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
    Neighbor 1: "Correct."
    New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
    Neighbor 1: "Yup."
    New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
    Neighbor 1: "Cool."

    Later that same day...
    Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
    Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
    Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
    Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
    Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
    Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
    Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
    Neighbor 2: "No."
    Neighbor 1: "Fag."








    A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
    Ex-pctek

  8. #88
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Mount Maunganui
    Posts
    7,528

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	Trump1.jpg 
Views:	59 
Size:	77.6 KB 
ID:	10517

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	Trump2.jpg 
Views:	59 
Size:	88.1 KB 
ID:	10518

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	Trump3.jpg 
Views:	61 
Size:	77.5 KB 
ID:	10519

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	Trump4.jpg 
Views:	57 
Size:	43.6 KB 
ID:	10520

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	Trump5.jpg 
Views:	58 
Size:	40.1 KB 
ID:	10521
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  9. #89
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Nhapier
    Posts
    5,408

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    Excellent

    Ken

  10. #90

    Default Re: C'mon..... Joke time

    SWMBO: What are you doing?
    Hubby: Nothing.
    SWMBO: But you did that yesterday.
    Hubby: Yes, I know, but I haven't finished.
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

Similar Threads

  1. Day Off Joke
    By SurferJoe46 in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 05-07-2007, 05:14 PM
  2. Replies: 17
    Last Post: 09-02-2007, 01:21 AM
  3. you're a Joke..
    By pissed in forum PressF1
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 25-11-2005, 08:00 PM
  4. OT : Joke
    By beetle in forum PressF1
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 27-07-2004, 08:03 PM
  5. MS Joke
    By hamstar in forum PressF1
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 16-08-2003, 06:38 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •