(Between) Mondays jokes...

[gary67]

Trick or treat is just begging under a different name

[Lurking]

A secretary received an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a Christmas present.

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by e-mail.

The boss's wife read the e-mail and immediately began yelling at and demanded an explanation from her husband.

The e-mail said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has an extraordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. Thanks a lot."

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.

[Roscoe]

Quotations: Retirement


The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. ~Abe Lemons


When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. ~Chi Chi Rodriguez


A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. ~Ella Harris


Retired is being twice tired, I've thought
First tired of working,
Then tired of not.
~Richard Armour


Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. ~Gene Perret


I'm retired — goodbye tension, hello pension! ~Author Unknown


Retirement: World's longest coffee break. ~Author Unknown


O, blest retirement! friend to life's decline -
How blest is he who crowns, in shades like these,
A youth of labour with an age of ease!
~Oliver Goldsmith


Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. ~Author Unknown


Life begins at retirement. ~Author Unknown


Retirement can be a great joy if you can figure out how to spend time without spending money. ~Author Unknown

[Lurking]

Life has its own Little Chuckles

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of white-out.

I Woke up this morning with a huge Correction.

My Budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of Red Head matches.

His little face lit up when he tried to walk...
I’d forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.

All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or
getting your bloody tea ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,

What would you like for dinner, love, chicken, beef or lamb?

' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat.'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy.

He is mainly black and brown with a small white patch.
I've named him England.

[Lurking]

THE ITALIAN TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be put down his shotgun, and hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car!