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Thread: Monday's jokes

  1. #1
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    Default Monday's jokes

    Women

    SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.











    AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED ATTHE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED,"HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"





    THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."





    A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,


    "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.





    THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUNAND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.





    THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.


    THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.


    THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.





    THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.


    THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.


    THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID,



    "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"





    THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID,



    "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."





    THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:


    1 - Never be arrogant.


    2 - Don't waste ammunition.


    3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.


    4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.


    5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...





    I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

  2. #2

    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

    Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

    Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

    Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”



    The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
    -
    “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
    -
    “I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
    -
    “Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, "who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
    -
    The man sighs, “my wife.”



    A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

    “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.”

    Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.

    The pharmacist apologises, “My mistake, I didn’t realise you had a prescription.”
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  3. #3
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    Two neighbors meet:
    "Your cat killed my Pitbull."
    -
    "No way, that is impossible."
    -
    "Yes, he choked on her."

    ------------------------------------------------------

    How did the cat get the first prize at a bird show?

    Somebody didn’t shut the champion’s cage properly.

    -------------------------------------


    Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

    -----------------------------
    Ex-pctek

  4. #4
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    Two scientists walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they would like to drink. The first scientist says “I’ll have a glass of H2O please.”

    The second scientist says “I’ll have H2O too.”

    The second scientist dies.
    Ex-pctek

  5. #5
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    No Words needed

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    Update / Upgrades = Replace old bugs with new ones.

  6. #6
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by wainuitech View Post
    No Words needed

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    Funnily enough, only one of those categories attracts a bounty, and then only if you hand in both ears and the seat.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  7. #7
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    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    Jacinda walks into a Bank to cash a cheque.
    As she approaches the cashier she says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sister. Could you please show me your ID?"

    Jacinda: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
    I am Jacinda Adern, leader of the labour Party and prime minister of New Zealand !!!!"

    Cashier: "Yes Sister, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

    Jacinda : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
    Everybody knows who I am."

    Cashier: "I am sorry, Ms Adern, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

    Jacinda :"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

    Cashier: "Look Ms Adern, here is an example of what we can do.
    One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID.
    To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
    With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

    "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID.
    He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
    With that shot we cashed his cheque.
    So, Ms Adern, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

    Jacinda stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind.
    I can't think of a single thing.
    I have absolutely no idea what to do.
    I don't have a clue."

    Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Ms Adern?

  8. #8
    Superanuitant Poppa John's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Neil F View Post
    Jacinda walks into a Bank to cash a cheque.
    As she approaches the cashier she says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sister. Could you please show me your ID?"

    Jacinda: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
    I am Jacinda Adern, leader of the labour Party and prime minister of New Zealand !!!!"

    Cashier: "Yes Sister, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

    Jacinda : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
    Everybody knows who I am."

    Cashier: "I am sorry, Ms Adern, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

    Jacinda :"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

    Cashier: "Look Ms Adern, here is an example of what we can do.
    One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID.
    To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
    With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

    "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID.
    He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
    With that shot we cashed his cheque.
    So, Ms Adern, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

    Jacinda stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind.
    I can't think of a single thing.
    I have absolutely no idea what to do.
    I don't have a clue."

    Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Ms Adern?
    OUCH. PJ
    Deafness.
    When I was younger I heard but didn't listen.
    Now I am older, I listen but cannot hear.

    If it is not broke, don't make it broker by trying to make it better. (This applies specifically to PJ)

  9. #9
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    Seperated at Birth

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    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  10. #10
    Superanuitant Poppa John's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday's jokes

    [QUOTE=B.M.;1291012]Seperated at Birth

    Click image for larger version. 

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ID:	9859[/QUOTe


    That is brilliant. PJ
    Deafness.
    When I was younger I heard but didn't listen.
    Now I am older, I listen but cannot hear.

    If it is not broke, don't make it broker by trying to make it better. (This applies specifically to PJ)

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