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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

    2. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

    3. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

    4. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

    5. I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

    6. My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

    7. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

    8. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

    9. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

    10. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

    11. When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

    12. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

    13. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

    14. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

    15. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

    16. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

    17. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

    18. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

    19. What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

    20. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

    21. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

    22. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

    23. Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.

    24. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tyred!

    25. Parallel lines have so much in common. Itís a shame theyíll never meet.

    26. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

    27. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

    28. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think itís a scream?

    29. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

    30. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

    31. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

    32. What did the traffic light say to the car? Donít look! Iím about to change.

    33. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!

    34. What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. Iíll go on ahead.

    35. Why wouldnít the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  2. #2
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
    One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

    David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.

    The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.

    The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all."

    David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
    Ex-pctek

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    (I can only assume this one must have come from an Australian......)

    A New Zealand farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

    ---------------------------
    The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death?'
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

    'Patrick Henry,1775,' he said.

    'Very good!'

    Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

    Again, no response, except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln,1863.'

    'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'Let's try one a bit more difficult…'

    Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

    Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961.'

    The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves; Little Hodiaki isn't from this country, and he knows more about our history than you do.'

    She heard a loud whisper: “Stuff the Japs”.

    'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded..

    Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur,1945.'

    At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

    The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that?'

    Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

    Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

    Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand, and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!'

    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

    Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

    The teacher fainted.

    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, We're screwed!'

    Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Labour Party, 2019!'

  4. #4
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    For those nut cases that don't believe in Murphy's Law, kindly explain why the exact same air that makes your bread go crisp and dry is also making your biscuits go damp and soft.

    Pessimists are much happier people than optimists, all the surprises an optimist gets are are unpleasant.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  5. #5
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by R2x1 View Post
    For those nut cases that don't believe in Murphy's Law, kindly explain why the exact same air that makes your bread go crisp and dry is also making your biscuits go damp and soft.

    Pessimists are much happier people than optimists, all the surprises an optimist gets are are unpleasant.
    Actually keeping biscuits in the plastic packet or a plastic container will make them go soft.
    Keep them in a tin.

    Bread, well it does stale, home made faster than shop bought, but wrapping in tinfoil and putting in a hot oven for 5 - 10 minutes makes it great again.

    Agree with the pessimist thing.......
    Ex-pctek

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