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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

    Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

    Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.

    Bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.

    Vehicle mechanics? They re-tyre every day.

    Teachers don't retire, they just mark time.

    Roofers don't retire, they just wipe the slate clean.

    Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

    Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

    Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

    Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.

    Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

    Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

    Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.

    Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.



    Jackie, an elderly lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.

    Edward, a gentleman approaches her and says, 'Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?'

    'Yes, I know,' replies Jackie firmly, 'But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.'

    'But madam,' remarks Edward, 'you must know that your derriere is exposed.'

    Jackie looks directly at Edward, after a quick glance down and retorts, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday.'



    My wife said, 'What are you doing today?'

    I said, 'Nothing.'

    She said, 'You did that yesterday.'

    I said, 'I haven't finished yet.'
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  2. #2
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him..

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

    He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in Dublin, please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

  3. #3
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
    John Adams

    The first rule of Thesaurus Club is: Don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

    What's another word for Thesaurus?

    Entropy is not what it used to be.

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

    I finally confused the GPS lady, she said, ”in two hundred yards stop and ask directions.”

    If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

    Comedy is the only job which you can do badly and nobody laughs at you.

    When the axe came into the forest the trees all said, ”Well, at least the handle is one of us.”

    It pays to get your retaliation in first.

    Why should I pay outrageous prices for ski trips when I can stick my face in the freezer and fall down the stairs.

    Always remember you're unique – just like everybody else.

    When you dial the wrong number, it's never engaged.

    It’s a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

    Who invented the brush next to the toilet? That really hurts.

    How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?

    Who discovered that you could get milk from cows? And what did he think he was doing at the time?

    How come the winner of the Miss Universe competition is always from Earth?
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  4. #4
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

    Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

    P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back order.

    P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspect crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed in cockpit.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Short and sweet:

    Faith Healing Discontent.



    Paddy asks, “Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night.

    Mick replies, “He was absolute shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!”

  6. #6
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute


  7. #7
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by kenj View Post
    Ya know the old saying behind every joke is a bit of truth somewhere - In this case a LOT of truth

  8. #8
    Gone
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by kenj View Post
    Thanks for sharing that Ken. Made my day

  9. #9
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    OOPS !! Only in America talk about Keystone Cops

    https://internationalhighlife.com/undercover-cops-arrest-eachother

  10. #10
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by wainuitech View Post
    OOPS !! Only in America talk about Keystone Cops

    https://internationalhighlife.com/undercover-cops-arrest-eachother
    Excellent

    Ken
    Last edited by kenj; 30-06-2019 at 02:28 PM.
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

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