Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Paddy says to Mick, "I'm being circumcised tomorrow."
    Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
    Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"
    Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for about a year."


    Dear Mrs. Harris:

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our
    store.
    We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you
    from the store.

    Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are
    documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
    people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
    'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
    leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
    in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
    costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
    layby.

    6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
    shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
    the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
    screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
    mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
    the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming
    the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look'
    using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
    yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
    a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the
    fitting room?

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then
    yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
    clerks passed out.

    Regards
    Carlos


    A farmer
    went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
    The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too! !

    'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me.
    I'm celebrating.'

    This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

    'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added:
    'What are you celebrating?'

    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

    'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

    I used a different cock,' he replied.

    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence!'
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Carterton
    Posts
    580

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

    Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

    'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

    'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

  3. #3
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Nhapier
    Posts
    5,012

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	image1.jpg 
Views:	74 
Size:	64.3 KB 
ID:	9720

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  4. #4
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Carterton
    Posts
    580

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Good one Ken

  5. #5
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,380

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Ken wins todays prize for best joke.
    Ex-pctek

  6. #6
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,380

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turns to try and bag it.

    The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

    The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer's pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

    The statistician leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”
    ------------------------------------------------------------


    100 little bugs in the code,

    100 bugs in the code,

    fix one bug, compile it again,

    101 little bugs in the code.

    101 little bugs in the code.....
    ----------------------------------------------------


    How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    A mathematician, a physicist, and an IT Support person are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they want to measure it, and have all the time they need.

    The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume.

    The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures.

    And the IT guy? He writes down the serial number of the ball, and looks it up.

    -------------------------------
    Ex-pctek

  7. #7
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Nhapier
    Posts
    5,012

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Aaah the quick wit of some folk.... Darnold Trump tweeted about Charles but spelled his title as "The Prince of Whales"

    A quick reply from a watcher came up asking Trump if he "did that on porpoise"

    Lovely...Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  8. #8
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Mount Maunganui
    Posts
    7,129

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old dairy farmer, in town.

    Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

    Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

    Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

    Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

    Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

    Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the farm

    knowing that nature would take its own course.

    Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

    About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

    'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

    Tom replied with pride, 'She's fine and she's pregnant.'

    The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

    Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  9. #9
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    North Shore.
    Posts
    13,775

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    ><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


    A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for our local pool. I gave him a glass of water.

    I try to live by the adage: You scratch my back; I’ll let you know when to stop.

    Self-help books really can change your life! The ones I wrote paid for a villa in the Bahamas and a yacht.

    I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not so sure now.

    Education is what you get when you read the fine print.
    Experience is what you get when you don't read it.

    If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.

    Being able to predict the future is nothing like I thought it would be.

    I'm sorry, but I never apologize.

    Honk if you like peace and quiet.

    I have not quite begun to procrastinate.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  10. #10
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    165

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Why does it take 7 years to train to be a Lawyer?
    Answer: One year to learn the law and 6 years to learn to live with your conscience!

Similar Threads

  1. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 07-06-2019, 10:50 AM
  2. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 11-10-2018, 08:39 PM
  3. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 06-10-2018, 05:29 PM
  4. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 05-09-2018, 01:03 PM
  5. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 17-02-2018, 03:35 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •