Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

    A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle. Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle. Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go. "Right!" shouts the biker, "any of you man enough to do that?" After a moment of silence a voice from the back says: "I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes."

    A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,380

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

    He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.”

    I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

    He said, “A Christian.”

    I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

    He said, “Protestant.”

    I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”

    He said, “Baptist.”

    I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Baptist.”

    I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

    I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

    I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

    I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    Written by comedian Emo Philips
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

    The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
    ---------------------------------------------------

    A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

    “Magic beer,” he says.

    “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

    Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

    “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

    The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
    Ex-pctek

  3. #3
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Carterton
    Posts
    580

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enter the house. He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life" He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a $1m bank account." He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25m bank account." "However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?" All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."

  4. #4
    Senior Moment Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Waitakere City
    Posts
    3,959

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
    He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
    handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
    leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

    The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

    A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

    Dear Sir,
    Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
    monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
    with your bald head you will really look the part.
    The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
    has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
    attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
    letter of complaint.

    A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
    We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
    head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a..e
    and go as a toffee apple.
    Last edited by Tony; 04-06-2019 at 11:50 AM.
    We are all but temporary files on the great HDD of life.

  5. #5
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    North Shore.
    Posts
    13,775

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    An auction house
    A den of antiquity.

    The freelance writer:
    A person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

    Medicine
    The art of amusing the ill while nature heals.

    Railway timetable:
    A triumph of hope over experience.

    Bore
    One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.

    Dentistry
    Drill, Fill & Bill.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  6. #6
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,380

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by R2x1 View Post
    An auction house

    Medicine
    The art of amusing the ill while nature heals.

    .
    That's not actually a joke.
    I have that quote in a book, Surgery The Ultimate Placebo.

    He goes on to show many examples of exactly that, very interesting book. The quote was by Voltaire
    Ex-pctek

  7. #7
    Senior Moment Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Waitakere City
    Posts
    3,959

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by piroska View Post
    That's not actually a joke.
    I have that quote in a book, Surgery The Ultimate Placebo.
    It doesn't have to be fiction to be a joke. Look at Trump for instance...
    We are all but temporary files on the great HDD of life.

  8. #8
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    North Shore.
    Posts
    13,775

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Ssshh! don't let the people in the Dr's waiting room hear you. Big $$ depend on it.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



Similar Threads

  1. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 24-10-2018, 09:30 PM
  2. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 11-10-2018, 08:39 PM
  3. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 06-10-2018, 05:29 PM
  4. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 05-09-2018, 01:03 PM
  5. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 15-05-2018, 01:40 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •