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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats.
    The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.
    But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun.
    “Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
    The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.
    The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”
    The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
    The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain.
    He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.
    Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.
    The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
    The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.

    So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 50. A cop pulled her over and said “ma’am, can I please see your licence?” She said “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He muttered furiously into his radio… Five minutes later, half the squad pulled up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your licence?” he asked sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulled out a licence from her purse. He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “May I see the registration to this car?” She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the boot of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty… The woman brandished a finger at the first cop and said accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  2. #2
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    An elderly man visited the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," said the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"

    "Well," said Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."

    Concerned, the doctor found Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and told her what her husband had said.

    "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she said. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."
    ------------------------------------------------




    Three old guys were out walking.

    First one said, "Windy, isn't it?"

    The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!"

    The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"
    Ex-pctek

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.


    "What happened ?" she asks anxiously.


    "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"


    "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here, she would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


    "I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”.

  4. #4
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    WISE WORDS FROM FATHER TO DAUGHTER

    A young woman was about to finish her first year of university. Like

    so many others her age, she considered herself to be Labor Party

    minded, and she was very much in favour of higher taxes to support

    her education and for more government programs in other words,

    the redistribution of wealth. (Much like a Carbon Tax?)


    She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch

    blue-ribbon Liberal, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on

    the lectures that she had attended and the occasional chat with a

    professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured a selfish

    desire to keep what he thought should be his.


    One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher

    taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.



    The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors must be

    the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking

    how she was doing at university.


    Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average,

    and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was

    taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which

    left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't

    even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university

    friends because she spent all her time studying.


    Her father listened and then asked, How is your best friend Audrey doing? She

    replied, Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she

    never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so popular on

    campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties,

    and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too

    hung over.


    Her wise father asked his daughter, Why don't you go to the Dean's office

    and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who

    only has 50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, it would be fair

    and you would both be equal.


    The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back,

    That's a crazy idea; how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my

    grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done

    next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!


    The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, Welcome to the

    Liberal side of the fence.




    If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Liberal and

    Labor/Greens, I'm all ears.



    If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!



    If a Liberal supporter doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

    If a Labor/Green doesn't like guns, they want all guns outlawed.



    If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.

    If a Labor/Green is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.



    If a Liberal is gay, he quietly leads his life.

    If a Labor/Green is gay, he demands legislated respect.



    If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.

    A Labor/Green wonders who is going to take care of him.



    If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

    Labor/Greens demand that those they don't like should be banned.



    If a Liberal is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.

    A Labor/Green non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.



    If a Liberal reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.

    A Labor/Green will delete it because he's "offended."



    Hmmmmmm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  5. #5
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

    “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …………..but I fish on Fridays.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs. We never had a second date.

  7. #7
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a Development that is currently being built near your home and what are the Advantages of this new development.

    At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

    Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your Parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that Tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you All, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears Rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom." Everybody agreed to this plan.

    Next day: Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita." Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't Have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita!

    Yes - Suzie!" Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a Carpenter and this allows him to work near home."
    Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

    At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, Tell me, what new development is being built near your home?" Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel." All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax girls... It hasn't opened yet!"

  9. #9
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    When embarking on a polar expedition, choose your companions carefully – you may have to eat them.

    Are subliminal ( send me money ) messages effective?

    Sick of having your house burgled?
    Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door.

    It's never too late to give up.

    If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her. She's got malaria.

    It's true, the stars do affect human lives - by providing employment for thousands of astrologers.

    If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

    I never hated any man enough to give his diamonds back.
    Zsa Zsa

    I called my lawyer and said, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He said, ‘What’s the second question?’

    Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

    My daughter wanted some trainers. I said, you’re eleven. Go to Taiwan and make some.

    Instead of asking, "Why did this happen to me?" take responsibility. Ask, "Who can I blame for this?"

    The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.

    A man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets she took him.

    Divorce is a system whereby two people make a mistake and one goes on paying for it.

    He had so many wives he can't remember their names. To keep it simple he just calls them 'plaintiff'.

    I gave my wife plastic surgery – I cut up her credit cards.

    I took the SWMBO’s family out for tea and biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.

    I think ... therefore I am overqualified.

    Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

    No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."

    If you don't like the way I drive then get off the footpath.

    If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can be sure the water bill is higher.

    If you're not part of the solution, you must be a consultant.

    Thanks to being put on hold for 15 minutes with Customer Support, I now hate mellow music.

    The other day I got pulled over for speeding. Apparently, "Because you were chasing me!" isn't a valid reason.

    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

    A Canadian
    An unarmed American with health insurance.

    Carpenter’s rule
    Cut to fit; beat into place.

    A father
    A guy who has snapshots where his money used to be.

    The shin-bone
    A device for finding furniture in a dark room.

    Medical expenses
    Dying beyond your means.

    Rugby union (V-E-R-Y old definition)
    The satisfying sight of policemen and barristers getting knocked about on their day off.
    Last edited by R2x1; 31-05-2019 at 01:42 PM.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



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