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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    When Insults Had Class

    These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words.

    A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
    "That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress"

    "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
    Winston Churchill

    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
    Clarence Darrow

    "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
    William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

    "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
    Moses Hadas

    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it
    Mark Twain

    "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
    -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
    "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
    -Winston Churchill, in response

    "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
    -Irvin S. Cobb

    "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
    Samuel Johnson

    "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
    Paul Keating

    "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
    -Charles, Count Talleyrand

    "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
    -Forrest Tucker

    "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
    -Mark Twain

    His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
    -Mae West

    "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
    -Oscar Wilde

    "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
    -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

    "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
    -Billy Wilder

    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.”
    -Groucho Marx
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Voted BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
    me life, between the legs of me wife !"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
    toast of the night."

    She said,
    "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
    Beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
    corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
    other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said,
    "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
    he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him
    by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

  3. #3
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Every so often, the internet yields something which transcends its inherent banality or triteness. This is one such gem …

    What, you may ask, is 'butt dust'?

    What do you say when a child asks you something so innocent while they are clearly so serious?

    Read on and you'll discover some original and genuine questions.

    Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

    Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

    Brittany (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

    DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

    Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mum asked what was troubling him, he replied 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

    Marc (age 4) was engrossed watching a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

    Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman that her Mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,
    'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

    James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

    Charlotte (age 5) was the only young girl taking a karate course with a class of all little boys. One night after a karate session her father noticed she was limping in pain. When he asked what was wrong, she replied, “I think I got kicked in the nuts.”

    And the sermon this Mum won't forget....

    'Dear Lord,' the vicar began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....'
    He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter, who was listening carefully, leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year old girl voice,

    'Mum, what is butt dust?'

    Last edited by WalOne; 10-03-2019 at 01:29 PM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  4. #4
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Lovely wal

    Ken

  5. #5
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

    He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

  6. #6
    Senior in age member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    'What happened to the flea?' Love it.

  7. #7
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    I liked the insults, requires some thought...very LOLs.
    Ex-pctek

  8. #8
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

    At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

    “Where you wanna go?”

    “Hooters.”

    “Why Hooters?”

    “They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

    “You’re on.”

    At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

    “Where you wanna go for lunch?”

    “Hooters.”

    “Again? Why?”

    “They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”

    “OK.”

    At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”

    “Hooters.

    “Why?”

    “The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”

    “OK.”

    At age 62 they meet again.

    After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”

    “Hooters.”

    “Why?”

    “Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”

    “Good choice”

    At age 72 they meet again.

    Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”

    “Hooters.”

    “Why?”

    “They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”

    “Great choice.”

    At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”

    “Hooters.”

    “Why?”

    “Because we’ve never been there before.”

    “Okay.”

    via
    Ex-pctek

  9. #9
    Smiling Down On Youse SurferJoe46's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Millennial Job Interview............

    https://youtu.be/BIpREvWtl70


    Warum werden wir so früh alt und klug so spät?

  10. #10
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

    "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

    "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

    Please Doc, what's the good news?"

    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

    "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

    "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

    My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

    "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

    "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

    Are you having any side effects?"

    "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

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