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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realised it would be a waist of time.

    Wife: "How would you describe me?"
    Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
    Wife: "What does that mean?"
    Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
    Wife: "Thank you, dear, but what about IJK?"
    Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

    The boating store was having a big sale on canoes. It was quite the oar deal.

    Q: Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
    A: He'll dessert you.

    Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
    A: Pork chop

    Q: What do you call a classy fish?
    A: Sofishticated

    Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favourite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A MIRACULOUS SAVE.


    Woman saves herself in Crocodile attack using a small Walking Stick.

    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,
    cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.

    Here is her story in her own words:

    "While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside
    of our house in Darwin,
    with my soon to be ex-husband
    discussing our property settlement,
    kids and other divorce issues,
    we were surprised by a huge 5 metre crocodile
    which suddenly emerged from the murky water
    and began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open.

    The Croc must have been protecting her young
    and her home because she was extremely aggressive.

    If I had not had my little $5 dollar Reject Shop
    walking stick with me,
    I would not be here today!

    Just one Hard Wack to my estranged husband's knee cap
    was all it took..

    The 'Croc got him easily and I was able to escape
    by just walking away at a brisk pace.

    The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible
    and I got the lot as the best of the story was on cleaning out his room
    found on our wedding week he insured himself for $1,000,000,00.

    Moral of my story is to take your walking stick for a walk each and every day. !!!

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
    her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
    did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
    cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

    On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
    whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
    cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

    "Dear Madam:
    Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending
    the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place,
    I was under the impression that:

    1 - it had never been occupied;
    2 - there was plenty of heat; and
    3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

    However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
    any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for 250
    with the following note:

    "Dear Sir:

    First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
    remain unoccupied indefinitely.
    As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on

    Regarding space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
    don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

    Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
    landlady.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    BLACK BRA size 38

    The Business Deal

    A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.

    The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

    The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
    He returns a few days later and this time orders 50.

    The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

    The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.

    The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

    The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Medicare - Aussie Style!

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

    "Hello."

    "Mrs. Sanders, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
    When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
    We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
    Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
    We can't tell which is which."

    "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

    "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

    If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A BEAUTIFUL PARROT
    A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
    The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
    'What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20.'

    'Why is it so cheap?' the woman asks.

    'Well', replies the assistant, 'it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity'.

    'Oh, I don't mind that', said the woman, making her mind up, 'I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot'. So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

    Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. 'F! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam'.

    'I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel,' scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

    A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

    'Un f...king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes,' says the parrot when he sees the daughters.


    'Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes,' complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

    A short while later, the woman's husband, Mark, comes home.

    'In f==king in-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients ... How ya doin', Mark?'

    Silence......

  7. #7
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

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