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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?

    A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer.


    What did one dinghy say to the other?

    Are you up for a little row-mance?


    Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?

    A. Because he was outstanding in his field.


    Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants?

    A: Purrr-suasive.


    Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
    Too much sax and violins.


    Q. What's a British cat's favourite fantasy book?

    A. Hairy Pawter and the Philoso-purr's Stone.
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    "The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
    - Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel


    A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"


    A tourist from the US was driving around NZ. He was a bit tired and thought he needed somewhere to stay the night before getting to Queenstown. Then out of the darkness ran a bull, he couldn't avoid it, drove into it and killed it. He was still able to drive the car, so feeling guilty he drove to the farm house. He knocked on the door, The farmer answered the door. The American said 'Im very sorry but I've killed your bull and would like to replace it.'
    The farmer said 'No dramas mate, go around the back you'll find all the cows in the shed, go for your life'




    John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.

    The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

    Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

    John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

    The car started moving slowly.

    John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

    Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

    John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

    Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.

    He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

    A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and...wasn't drunk.

    About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

    They were also wet and out of breath.

    Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,

    "Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
    KiwiKate is offline
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  3. #3
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.

    Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
    send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

    The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

    The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".

    Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
    It said: "Great from beginning to end".
    Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

    The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".

    Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
    She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.

    Mum waited for a week,
    Nothing.

    Another week went by and still nothing.
    A month passed; still nothing.

    A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
    Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
    'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

    MUM FAINTED!!!
    Update / Upgrades = Replace old bugs with new ones.

  4. #4
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression; “He who has a Tates is lost!”

  5. #5
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Ex-pctek

  6. #6
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    [...] "Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

    Whiskers on it, but still hilarious

    (Piroska's Post #2)
    Last edited by WalOne; 06-02-2019 at 04:36 PM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  7. #7
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Click image for larger version. 

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    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
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    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

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