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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stronganoff.


    Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

    A: An algorithm!


    Q: What do snowmen call their offspring?

    A: Chill - dren.


    Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's cot?

    A: A snowmobile.


    Q: What happened when two vampires went on a date?

    A: It was love at first bite.


    Q: What was the chook suspected of?

    A: Fowl play.
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    HELGA'S CRUISE SHIP DIARY

    DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
    All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, shortsets. Really, really exciting, our local Ladies Bowls Club – ‘The Late Bloomers’ decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait! ----------------------------- ---------------------------

    DIARY - DAY 2
    Entire day at sea, so beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.
    Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
    At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
    The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
    Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
    Won 800 in the ship's Casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
    He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
    Pool again today. Got really sunburned, and I went inside for a drink at the piano-bar and to cool down; stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...
    I was shocked.




    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
    Today I saved 2600 lives.
    Twice ...... .

  3. #3
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Click image for larger version. 

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    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  4. #4
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
    She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
    She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
    When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
    The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.”
    The judge then asked why she had done it.
    She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
    The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
    She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
    The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
    As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
    "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
    The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas.

  5. #5
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    😂 smithie!!

  6. #6
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Speaking of cruise ships, this counts as laughs cause it is funny.

    http://will.tip.dhappy.org/blog/Visu...%20Coast.xhtml

    Although in a dark humour way. I recommend you read it, it's quite short.
    Ex-pctek

  7. #7
    Seasoned Member allblack's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    I just read all that.

    Not sure what to make of it, though it's quite clever.

  8. #8
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by allblack View Post
    I just read all that.

    Not sure what to make of it, though it's quite clever.
    Hardly original. It seems to be a not-very-clever variation on a theme - Spike Jones' Hello Mudduh, Hello Fadduh - by someone with a political agenda. Funny? Debateful. Clever? Jury's out on that, too.

    If anyone doesn't know what I'm rabbiting on about, here's Alan Sherman's rendition:

    Hello Mudduh, hello Fadduh

    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  9. #9
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Not Monday, and not a joke for some of us!

    He is supposedly 94 and she 91.

    Don't know what they're on, but I want some.

    HERE
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  10. #10
    VoidMaster
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    That's the Jitterbug dance I believe.
    It's not the least charm of a theory that it is refutable. The hundred-times-refuted theory of "free will" owes its persistence to this charm alone; some one is always appearing who feels himself strong enough to refute it - Friedrich Nietzsche

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