Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    SWMBO told me to stop acting like a flamingo - so I put my foot down.


    A dog walked into a butcher shop and the butcher asked, “What do you want?” The dog pointed to steak in a glass case. “How many kilos?” The dog barked twice. “Anything else?” The dog pointed to some pork chops and barked four times. So the butcher wraped up a two kilo steak and four pork chops, and placed the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then took the money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and saw him out.

    A customer, who has been watching in amazement, followed the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rang the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appeared at the door, the customer said, “What a remarkable dog!”

    “Remarkable?” snorted the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”



    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each went into the woods, found a bear, and attempted to convert it. Later they got together.

    The priest began. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

    “I found a bear by the stream,” said the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him.”

    They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he said, “perhaps I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Nhapier
    Posts
    4,909

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    The Australian cricket team!!

    Ken (Sorry)

  3. #3
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    26,209

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Should have Gone to Spec Savers

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	drone.jpg 
Views:	64 
Size:	41.5 KB 
ID:	9283

    On the serious side, We got flying cars in Wainui
    Last edited by wainuitech; 01-01-2019 at 04:39 PM.
    Update / Upgrades = Replace old bugs with new ones.

  4. #4
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Carterton
    Posts
    567

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    WHAT CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY



    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

    Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

    Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

    Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

    Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

    War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

  5. #5
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Mount Maunganui
    Posts
    6,988

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  6. #6
    Member Zippity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Capital City
    Posts
    4,152

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Solicitor's Porsche

    A London Solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

    As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off

    More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.

    Five minutes later, the police arrive.. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"

    After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.

    "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

    "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.

    The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

    The Solicitor looked down in horror.

    "Oh my God!" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex ????"
    I worked for everything I have. Most successful people have done the same thing.
    No, you aren't "entitled" to it. Too damn bad, Get it the way I did.
    WORK FOR IT.

  7. #7
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,028

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

    "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

    The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.








    A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
    The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
    The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
    The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
    The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
    The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."
    Ex-pctek

  8. #8
    Old guy
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    2,082

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Both good ones piroska

  9. #9
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Nhapier
    Posts
    4,909

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    8:00 am: I made a snowman.

    8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

    8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

    8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

    8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

    8:22 The transgender man.. women... person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

    8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

    8:28 I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

    8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.

    8:40 Police arrived saying someone had been offended

    8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

    8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

    8:45 TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

    9:00 I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

    9:10 I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

    9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

    Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become.

    Ken

Similar Threads

  1. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 27-09-2018, 09:35 AM
  2. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 21-09-2018, 08:59 PM
  3. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 18-09-2018, 03:43 PM
  4. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 15-05-2018, 02:40 PM
  5. Monday Laughs - please contribute
    By Roscoe in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 17-02-2018, 04:35 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •