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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mummy, may I have some money to buy a soft drink?"

    "What do you say?" she said.

    Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

    The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.



    I had been thinking about colouring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-colouring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband, "How do you think this colour would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

    He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, dear."



    John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Moishe Plotnik's Laundry

    Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners etc when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

    'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'

    He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'

    The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

    The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''
    The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

    Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'
    'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.
    'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''

    It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at 'Document Center of Immiglation.'
    Man in front of me was man from Poland.'

    'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'
    He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

    Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
    I say, 'Sam Ting.'
    Last edited by WalOne; 03-12-2018 at 11:25 AM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  3. #3
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
    She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'

    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
    The two sat sipping in silence.
    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

  4. #4
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

    “Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

    The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

    But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

    “Yes, I do.” said Shawn.

    “Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

    “Well, um, yes.” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

    “And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

    Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

    “She just died and left me everything.”

    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Puns -


    The meaning of opaque is unclear.

    I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

    Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

    A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

    It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

    It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

    So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

    The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

  6. #6
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Sexy ordeal over

    From News Thump:

    "Medical advances have seen Right Said Fred singer Richard Fairbrass undergo a specialised procedure to reduce his sexiness to normal levels and allow him finally to wear his shirt. Mr Fairbrass' problems began in the early nineties when he woke up one morning to find that he was too sexy for his shirt, and the condition worsened throughout the day until he became so sexy it hurt. 'It was a difficult time for me,' said the considerably less sexy singer. 'I couldn't travel to either Milan, New York or Japan, which was a problem, because I was a model, you know what I mean?'

    The condition deteriorated further with Fairbrass becoming too sexy for his cat, his hat and his car, leading to tremendously embarrassing scenes at his local petrol station. 'I'm just glad the nightmare is finally over,' said a tearful Mr Fairbrass.'Not being able to wear your own shirt or stroke your own cat because of your sexiness is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.

    Now I'm looking forward to living out the rest of my life wearing a shirt and not being remotely sexy. Like all other British men'."

    Click HERE

    Barf here ...

    Last edited by WalOne; 04-12-2018 at 07:24 AM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  7. #7
    Bleakly Optomistic
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    This just happened to me, but thought it suited this thread first.

    So I started up my PC just before, and immediately heard 6 shrill short beeps.
    My heart started pounding as the screen went black.....

    Then I realised it was the sound of a truck backing up outside at the construction lot

  8. #8
    Senior Member Digby's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    I do wish there was a like button on this forum.
    The one about the two guys staying in the barn is a classic.
    And the list of puns
    So what colour is your Adkaf?
    Have you joined Proud to Be Kiwi yet?

  9. #9
    Smiling Down On Youse SurferJoe46's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

    On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

    The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

    A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people paddling.

    Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

    They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were paddling.

    Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the paddling team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

    They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program', with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddlers.

    There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

    The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channelled into morale-boosting programs and teamwork posters. All upper-echelon executives were given an end-of-year bonus.

    The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

    Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

    The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for incompetence and unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

    Sadly, This Is The End.


    .... but dear friends.....here's something to think about:

    GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

    TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US .

    The last quarter's results:

    TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM racks up 9 billion in losses.

    GM folks are still scratching their heads, and still collecting bonuses....


    "Life" is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans


  10. #10
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by SurferJoe46 View Post
    A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

    On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

    The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

    A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people paddling.

    Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

    They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were paddling.

    Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the paddling team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

    They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program', with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddlers.

    There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

    The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channelled into morale-boosting programs and teamwork posters. All upper-echelon executives were given an end-of-year bonus.

    The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

    Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

    The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for incompetence and unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

    Sadly, This Is The End.


    .... but dear friends.....here's something to think about:

    GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

    TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US .

    The last quarter's results:

    TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM racks up 9 billion in losses.

    GM folks are still scratching their heads, and still collecting bonuses....
    Do Toyota's factories have the unions involved Joe? If not therein lies the answer, however if they do then GM need to fold.

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