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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
    “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
    “But Larry’s still alive.”
    “I know, but his hair is gone.

    My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
    "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
    "Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."

    My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before. "What's more than usual?" I asked.
    "A dozen."
    "You can drink a dozen in a day?!"
    "Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."

    Turning 50, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old.
    "Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  2. #2
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
    After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
    "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
    The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
    A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
    "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
    "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
    "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch ----"
    The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
    The lights twinkling, as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

    A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
    And then, . . . .Suddenly - the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

    "S**t!!" cried Claude......

    Apparently it took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Centre, and Claude was never
    invited back to entertain again.
    Last edited by smithie 38; 20-11-2018 at 11:04 AM. Reason: Spelling

  3. #3
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Click image for larger version. 

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    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
    He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
    'To Fly. To Serve'?
    The woman looks at him blankly
    He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'?
    Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
    Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'?
    The woman looks at him sternly and says
    'What the f*** do you want?'
    'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".

  5. #5
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    While taxiing to the runway, the airliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
    "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
    Ex-pctek

  6. #6
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    North Shore.
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    After the Brexit, the Y2K bug Committee will be reconvened to identify the problems to be solved in the imperial Y2024 bug
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  7. #7
    Senior Member Digby's Avatar
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    Tauranga
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Quote Originally Posted by piroska View Post
    While taxiing to the runway, the airliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
    "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
    Very good!
    So what colour is your Adkaf?
    Have you joined Proud to Be Kiwi yet?

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