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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    * If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

    * Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?

    * What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

    * If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

    * Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

    * Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

    * Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

    * Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

    * The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

    * Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

    * 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

    * Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

    * The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

    * If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

    * Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

    * If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

    * If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

    (It does fall on a Tuesday)
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  2. #2
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    With Kim-Jong-Mum

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    “Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.” –Murphy’s Law
    “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” -Brian Gerald O’Driscoll
    “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.” -Unknown
    “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” -Bill McGlashen
    ”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” -Unknown
    "Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?" Steve Jobs

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

  3. #3
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    North Shore.

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty who don't want to learn.

    I was a shepherd once, but got fired because I always fell asleep during the inventory.

    It's the little things in life that count. Like my salary.

    I don't mind going to work, it's the eight hour wait to go home that messes me up.

    Never give up a seat for a lady. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

    You know you're old when by the time the last birthday cake candle is lit the first candle has burnt out.

    I'm young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Butch the Rooster

    Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.

    Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

    Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

    Vote carefully in the next election: You can't always hear the bells.

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