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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    The Irish have the lowest stress rate
    because they do not take medical terminology seriously


    Medical Term Irish Definition
    Artery The study of paintings
    Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
    Barium What doctors do when patients die
    Benign What you be, after you be eight
    Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome
    Cat scan Searching for Kitty
    Cauterize Made eye contact with her
    Colic A sheep dog
    Coma A punctuation mark
    Dilate To live long
    Enema Not a friend
    Fester Quicker than someone else
    Fibula A small lie
    Impotent Distinguished, well known
    Labour Pain Getting hurt at work
    Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
    Morbid A higher offer
    Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
    Normally more money than Days
    Node I knew it
    Outpatient A person who has fainted
    Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
    Post Operative A letter carrier
    Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
    Rectum Nearly killed him
    Secretion Hiding something
    Seizure Roman Emperor
    Tablet A small table
    Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
    Tumour One plus one more
    Urine Opposite of you're out
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  2. #2
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    LOL, like it
    Ex-pctek

  3. #3
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"

    Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"

    Businessman: "Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

    Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"

    Businessman: "How close?"

    Flight Attendant: "Same Price.

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  4. #4
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

    "Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

    The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

    "That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

    Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
    --------------------------


    Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

    The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

    When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

    The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

    Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

    The barman asks: “What do you have?”

    The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
    ---------------


    What do the British drink warm beer?

    Because Lucas Electronics makes their refrigerators.
    ----------------------------------


    A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

    The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

    "Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

    "You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

    "Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

    "Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

    "Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer, "I used to have a car like that."

    --------------------------------------------------------


    I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
    Ex-pctek

  5. #5
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!

    Actual call center conversations!

    Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through . Can you help?'
    Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
    Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
    Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

    Samsung Electronics
    Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
    Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
    I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
    telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
    number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.
    ______________________________ _____________________________
    RAC Motoring Services
    Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
    traveling in Australia ?'
    Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

    Caller
    (Inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

    'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
    do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
    ----------------------------- ------------------------------ -----------
    Directory I nquiries

    Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
    Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------
    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
    Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
    Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...
    _
    ______________________________ ________________

    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

    'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

    Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
    Customer: 'OK..'
    Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
    Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' .'

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

    Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
    you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
    Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

    Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
    So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

    This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
    Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
    (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

    Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
    Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect '
    Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
    Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
    Operator: 'Went away?'
    Caller: 'They disappeared'
    Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
    Caller: 'Nothing.'
    Operator: 'Nothing??'
    Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
    Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
    Caller: 'How do I tell?'
    Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
    Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
    Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
    Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
    Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
    Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
    Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
    Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
    Caller: 'I don't know.'
    Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
    the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
    Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
    Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
    plugged into the wall..
    Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
    Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
    there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
    Caller: 'No.'
    Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
    find the other cable.'
    Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
    Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
    the back of your computer..'
    Caller: 'I can't reach.'
    Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
    Caller: 'No...'
    Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
    Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
    Operator: 'Dark?'
    Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
    coming in from the window.'
    Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
    Caller: 'I can't..'
    Operator: 'No? Why not?'
    Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
    Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
    licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
    packing stuff that your computer came in?'
    Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
    Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up Just like it was when you got it.
    Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
    Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
    Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
    Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
    Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

  6. #6
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	Farm Boy.jpg 
Views:	12 
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ID:	9029

    When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

    A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

    "No, they went to town."

    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

    The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  7. #7
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Life......!!

    On the first day God created the dog.
    God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
    I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

    On the second day God created the monkey.
    God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh.
    I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
    Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"And God agreed.

    On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer.
    I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
    Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years.
    "Man said, "What? Only twenty years?
    Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
    Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves.
    The next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
    The next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
    The last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


    Life has now been explained to you.
    Update / Upgrades = Replace old bugs with new ones.

  8. #8
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS


    1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

    2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

    3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

    4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We ass/u/me/d it would be included in the price."

    5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

    6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

    7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

    8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

    9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

    10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun"

    12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

    13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

    14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

    15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

    16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

    17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

    18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

    19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you all responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


    BEWARE, THEY WALK AMONGST US!!!!

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  9. #9
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Cowboy said to a Rancher, ‘Is that your dog?’

    The Rancher replied, ‘Yup.’

    ‘Mind if I talk to him?’

    ‘Durn fool, don’t you know dogs don’t talk?’

    The Cowboy replied, ‘So what’s the harm? May I?’

    ‘Go right ahead.’

    The Cowboy said to the dog, ‘Howdy!’

    The dog replied, ‘Hello.’ The Rancher’s eyes pop wide.

    The Cowboy continued, ‘Is this your master?’

    ‘Yep, he sure is.’

    ‘Does he treat you alright?’

    ‘Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.’ Rancher was dumbfounded.

    The Cowboy said to the Rancher, ‘Is that your horse over there?’

    ‘Yes.’

    ‘Do you mind if I talk to him?’

    The Rancher replied, ‘I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.’

    ‘Well, then what would it hurt?’

    ‘Go right ahead.’

    The Cowboy said to the horse, ‘Hello.’

    The Horse replied, ‘Hello.’ The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open.

    The Cowboy asked, ‘Is that your owner?’

    ‘Yup, sure is.’

    ‘He treat you okay?’

    ‘Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.’

    ‘Sounds good.’ The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, ‘Are those your sheep over there?’

    The Rancher is horrified and stammers, ‘Them sheep out there, they’re nothing but a bunch of liars!’

  10. #10
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
    >
    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
    >
    3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
    >
    4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
    >
    5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    >
    6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
    >
    7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
    >
    8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
    >
    9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
    >
    10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
    >
    11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
    >
    12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
    >
    13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
    >
    14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
    >
    15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?
    >
    16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
    >
    17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning
    >
    18. Ever wonder about those people who spend three dollars a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
    >
    19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    >
    20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
    >
    21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    .
    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

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