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  1. #1

    Default Monday Laughs - please contribute

    A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing, and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
    He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
    Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing.
    The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
    As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
    The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  2. #2
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Two very old men were having a conversation about sex.

    Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"
    Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
    To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
    So the second old man rushed to the store.
    The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
    "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
    "That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
    "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

  3. #3
    Insane Bozo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
    I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

    ***

    I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal - Elongate would be really drawn out.

    ***

    Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

    Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

    Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

    Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

    ***

    As someone living in Aussie, Americans are often asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer
    Quote Originally Posted by Cicero View Post
    Thats a good idea,and everybody should be whipped if they disagree.
    Quote Originally Posted by Cicero View Post
    We like to live on the edge.

  4. #4
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Mount Maunganui
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    7,790

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    We ordered a pizza to watch Netflix:

    Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

    No sir, it's Google Pizza.

    I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

    No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last week.

    OK. I'd like to order a pizza.

    Do you want your usual, sir?

    My usual? You know me?

    According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you

    called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese,

    sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust.

    OK! That’s what I want.

    May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with

    ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a

    whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

    No you may not! I don't like vegetables.

    Your cholesterol needs help, sir.

    How the hell do you know?

    We cross-referenced your home phone number

    with your medical records. We have the result of

    your blood tests for the last 7 years.

    Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I

    take medication for my cholesterol!

    Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication

    regularly. Our database indicates that you only

    filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once,

    at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

    I bought the rest at another drugstore.

    Not according to your credit card statement.

    I paid in cash.

    Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according

    to your bank statement.

    I have other sources of cash.

    That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless

    you bought them using an undeclared income

    source, which is against the law.

    WHAT THE HELL?!

    I'm sorry, sir, we use such information with the

    sole intention of helping you.

    Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter,

    and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without

    internet, cable TV, cell phone service and jerks

    watching and spying on me.

    I understand sir, but you need to renew your

    passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
    Global Warming is Mann made.
    .
    The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

    I take no responsibility for the accuracy of any media links I quote.

  5. #5
    curmudgeon
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
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    417

    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.
    ...........

    A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

  6. #6
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    With Kim-Jong-Mum
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'

    Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
    'Can't do that,' burrs the farmer, 'I went out and spent it already.'

    Ahmed sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
    Farouk then asks, 'What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an' that?' I'll raffle him off,' laughs Ahmed.
    The farmer exclaimed, 'Aargh, you can't raffle off a dead donkey.'Pink Donkey

    But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'

    A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks, 'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'

    Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'

    Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'

    'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'






    John a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.

    The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
    Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

    John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

    The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

    Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.
    John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

    Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.

    He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
    A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and...wasn't drunk.

    About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

    They were also wet and out of breath.
    Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,

    "Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
    Ex-pctek

  7. #7
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - please contribute

    Click image for larger version. 

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    A woman went into hospital for a vaginal tuck. When she came out of the anaesthetic there were 3 bunches of flowers on her bedside table. She asked the nurse who they were from. "One is from your husband expressing his love, came the reply, the second is from the surgeon, wishing you a speedy recovery and the third one is from a guy in the burns unit thanking your for his new ears".

    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

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