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  1. #1
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Smile Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy



    Hi, PF1ers, here we are with another Monday Laughs.


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    This week kicks off with a yarn about heaven and hell, Bill Gates, God, and … Windows …


    It was Bill Gates’ turn to meet his maker. God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

    Bill asked, "What's the difference between the two?"

    God said, "It might help you decide if you were to take a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

    Bill was intrigued. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful people running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

    God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.

    Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

    "As you wish," said God.

    Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

    Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

    "Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."



    +++++////\\\\+++++

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    Unfortunate juxtaposition by the Herald – who else – of an advert with copy.



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    Paraprosdokians for this week …

    • The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it's still on the list.
    • Light travels faster than sound; this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    • If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
    • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
    • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
    • War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    +++++////\\\\+++++

    Four letter words

    Daniel and Jascinda got married and left happily to go on their honeymoon.

    When they got back, Cindy immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

    'Oh, mother,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

    Then she burst out crying. 'But, mother, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mother.'

    'Calm down, Cindy' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

    Still sobbing, Cindy whispered, 'Oh, mother ... horrible words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'



    +++++////\\\\+++++

    Still with honeymoons

    When visiting my wife's home country of England on our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Heathrow Airport.

    Geraldine headed for the British passport entry queue while I, an Australian, waited in the ' foreigners' queue.

    When my turn came, the Immigration official asked me the purpose of my visit.' Pleasure, 'I replied.' I'm on my honeymoon.'

    The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.' That's very interesting, sir, 'he said as he stamped my passport.' Most men bring their wives with them.'



    +++++////\\\\+++++

    Nobel Prize

    Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing.

    Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?'

    'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize, 'the farmer replies.

    'A Nobel Prize?' enquires Bob, puzzled. 'How?'

    'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.'



    +++++////\\\\+++++

    Reginald's new Diet

    Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.

    'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds, 'his doctor assured him.

    When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.

    'Why, that's amazing, 'the doctor said, greatly impressed, 'You certainly must have followed my instructions.'

    Reginald nodded, 'I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.'

    'Why, from hunger?' asked his doctor.

    'No, from all that skipping.'



    +++++////\\\\+++++

    Refrigerators

    How do you know if there is a bear in your refrigerator?
    Bear prints in the butter.
    How do you know if there are two bears in your refrigerator?
    You can hear them talking.
    How do you know if there are three bears in your refrigerator?
    You can’t shut the door.

    Thus, we have learned that your refrigerator has a capacity of 2 ½ bears.



    +++++////\\\\+++++

    Goebel’s Law

    Goebel's Second Law of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing.

    Goebel's Law of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.

    Goebel's Law of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.

    Goebel's Theorem of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.

    Goebel's Law of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time.

    Goebel's Observation on Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.

    Goebel's Law of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?

    +++++////\\\\+++++

    Arrgh, ‘ere be pirate stuff …

    A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.” The pirate replies: “no, no doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here.”

    +++++////\\\\+++++

    A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

    While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

    To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

    Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”

    The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished.

    Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke:

    “Now you’ve done it! Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat.”

    +++++////\\\\+++++

    And the obligatory blonde jokes of course …

    A blonde went to the library to get a book.

    A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

    The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

    +++++////\\\\+++++

    Pregnancies are de rigueur in certain circles so here’s Monday Laughs’ contribution …

    The blonde had been married about a year when it came about she ran up to her husband jumping for joy.

    Not knowing what it was about, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

    "Why are we so happy?" he asked.

    "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said. "Great" he said, tell me what you're so happy about."

    She stopped, breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

    Her husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while.

    He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

    Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

    "What do you mean more?", he asked.

    "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

    Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

    "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

    +++++////\\\\+++++

    And for the Ladies (and some blokes)

    Click image for larger version. 

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    Newfoundland Merman



    Until next week, take care


    Last edited by WalOne; 22-01-2018 at 11:56 AM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  2. #2
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    Merman....lol
    Ex-pctek

  3. #3
    Member Marnie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    Thanks WalOne, much appreciated.

  4. #4
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    Thanks Wal

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    Another "Well Done Wal"
    Here's a wee one to add

    A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
    The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time.
    You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
    She agrees and a date is made.
    The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face & knocks him A over T.
    He is stunned.
    "What was that for?" he asked.
    She said, "I looked up 'beautiful climbing rose' on Google last night and it said…..
    'Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or a fence, no good in an open bed' ".
    The floggings will continue until morale improves.
    No keyboard detected. Press F1 to continue.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    i love it! keep up the good work. never stop injecting humor into the start of the week

  7. #7
    Modulator Greg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    Quote Originally Posted by Mirddes View Post
    i love it! keep up the good work. never stop injecting humor into the start of the week
    Posted Wednesday at 4:03 AM! *sigh*
    Bugger the cancer. I'm suffering from terminal inertia.

  8. #8
    Senior Member piroska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    Now that's more like it, why don't manufacturers do this?

    http://misscellania.blogspot.co.nz/2.../laundrey.html
    Ex-pctek

  9. #9
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    Thanks for the support guys, and especially thanks Woody and piroska for their contributions.

    Anyone with a joke or three is always welcome to add to Monday Laughs. Even if it's not Monday!

    Last edited by WalOne; 25-01-2018 at 11:02 AM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  10. #10

    Default Re: Monday Laughs ... Windows, Pirate (aargh) Stuff, and a blonde pregnancy

    Not a joke, but a comment on "Still with honeymoons"... Many years ago, I had written a report on a Pommy seaman who had jumped ship in NZ and was applying to the Magistrate's Court for permission to stay in NZ. I turned up for the chambers hearing and was called inside with the applicant's solicitor - just the two of us. The Magistrate said he had just had a sabbatical to England, and had flown all the way seated beside a really interesting guy with whom he got into conversation. The Magistrate had fought for NZ in WW2, and his neighbour in the next seat had flown for the Luftwaffe in the same war. When they got to Heathrow, they said a cheerful farewell, whereupon the Magistrate had to line up in a long queue to get through immigration. Meanwhile, Herr Luftwaffe pilot waltzed through the EEC gate with no queues at all, having an EEC passport.

    The Magistrate obviously stewed over this, and on his return, he decided that any Pommy ship deserter who came into his Court would receive the same lack of courtesy and recognition he had received in England. Henceforth, the solicitor and I were told, there would be no more successful applications to his Court, and all the Pommy seamen could bugger off back home and apply for emigration to NZ the same as anyone else. Would we kindly pass the word around? We did, and no more applications were submitted to the Court in my time at least... They were different times then.

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