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  1. #1
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Smile DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    Yup folks, you read it here first ... Monday Laughs is here once more to help you launch into the week with something new, something old, and sometimes something blue.

    In the jokes department, of course

    First, a heads-up for those not in the know. Billy T has been doing this blog for many years now, but as many people will have noticed, he's been AWOL for a short while now. Although he's going through a rough patch, John and his family are working through it. Frankly though, he's got more to worry about than keeping us lot entertained. In his place, I would have to make the same choice.

    On behalf of his many friends in this Forum, all the bestest to Billy T and family.

    In the meantime, I've volunteered to keep the forum entertained while Billy T works through the issues and eventually returns to us. If my Monday Laughs is not up to the usual standard, tough ...

    Computer addiction ...

    Click image for larger version. 

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    ----- ooooo-----

    A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it.

    He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

    "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked.

    "YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.

    "Good" said the first bat, "because I f****n didn't!"

    ----- ooooo-----

    A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

    The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, "All our accordions are over there."

    After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

    The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

    The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

    ----- ooooo-----

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    Mumbai transport

    ----- ooooo-----

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected 500ml of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

    He said, "You must be single."

    The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?

    The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n s***."

    ----- ooooo-----

    I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.

    —Ronald Reagan



    All for this week, same time same place next!


    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  2. #2
    Trying to fiddle less! R.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    Best wishes from moi aussi for Billy T.

    And good on you, WalOne for filling in. Those Monday Laughs are essential for my mental health and wellbeing. As well as being a useful source for the Newsletter I compile. Thanks!
    Now-if I could just remember where I left my brain...

  3. #3
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    No other words needed.

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  4. #4
    Old guy
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    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    Well done. I have missed the Monday jokes so thanks for stepping up WalOne

  5. #5
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    Good one WalOne... All the best Billy.

    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  6. #6
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    Thanks Wal

  7. #7

    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    It's really good to see Monday Laughs return. I need a good laugh. Thanks for that Wal.

    Any news about Billy would be appreciated.
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

  8. #8
    Modulator Greg's Avatar
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    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    Thanks Wal. I have to admit, I missed the "ugly" one at first, but what a laugh!
    Bugger the cancer. I'm suffering from terminal inertia.

  9. #9
    Member Marnie's Avatar
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    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    Very best wishes to Billy and his family.
    Thanks, WalOne for stepping up.

    Dearest Dad,


    I am coming home to get married soon, so get your cheque book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

    As you know, I am in Australia .. and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

    My beloved and favourite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

    Lots of love and thanks.

    Your favourite daughter,
    Lilly


    THE RESPONSE

    My Dear Lilly,

    Like Wow! Really? Cool!

    Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

    And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

    Love,
    Your Dad

  10. #10
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: DATE LINE AUCKLAND ... ANNOUNCING THE RETURN OF MONDAY LAUGHS

    Dear Mr. Murphy,

    We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the red area on your penis shows it was not cancerous.

    It was lipstick.

    We deeply regret the amputation.

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