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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Middle Earth

    Talking ML Start for 2017: Noah's Ark, Blondes, Affairs & Old Age...............


    In the year 2017, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans."

    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying : "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

    "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system and my neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

    "Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

    "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the Ark accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

    "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

    "So, forgive me, Lord" said Noah, "but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

    "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

    Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

    "No," said the Lord.

    "The need has passed, the Government has beaten me to it."


    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down..

    The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

    'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

    'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I will give you $100 for your trouble..'

    'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, then off they went.

    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

    There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

    With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

    "What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

    'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde, 'but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World

    'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde, 'but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World


    I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

    She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

    And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!


    Just before the funeral services, the Undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

    'How old was your husband?'

    '98', she replied: 'Two years older than me' .

    'So you're 96', the Undertaker commented.

    She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'


    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

    'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


    I've sure gotten old!

    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes!

    I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

    I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation; I hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

    I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and I have lost all my friends.

    But, thank God,

    I still have my driver's license .......


    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2

    Default Re: ML Start for 2017: Noah's Ark, Blondes, Affairs & Old Age...............

    A great way to start the New Year. Thanks very much, Billy.
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

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