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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Middle Earth

    Talking Monday Laughs:..Politics, Fishing, more Politics, short organs & an economics lesson.


    Time to Talk Politics...............Snippets.........

    The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

    We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

    If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in political speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

    Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

    Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

    When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow (Trump yet another example!)

    Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Unknown

    Politicians are people whom, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton

    Politics is the art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer
    I offer my opponents a bargain: If they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

    I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

    Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan

    Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

    There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on politicians. ~Will Rogers


    At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

    The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

    They were riding smoothly on the current when they came upon a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

    All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

    When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

    They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork.

    He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

    There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

    This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

    She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

    The woman replied, 'Down.'

    A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, Up or down ?'

    She replied, 'Up.'

    This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me, but now today, nothing!'

    She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid, and I thought the choices were f**k or drown.


    More Politics............At the Bar...

    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, clean or dirty, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding, I'm in the National Party too! What Branch are you from?"


    A man goes into Whitcoulls and says to the young lady assistant:

    "Do you have that new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title.

    She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

    The man said, "that's the one, I'd like to buy a copy please."


    And just so you don't get the idea that Monday Laughs is just a lightweight bit of casual flim-flam, here is some serious international financial analysis:

    *The European Financial Bail-Out Explained*

    It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

    The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

    The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

    The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the Taverna.

    The publican slips the money along to the local lady of the night drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

    The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note.

    The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

    No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

    And that, Ladies and Gentlemen (and yous PF1 members too), is how the National Party's economics package works.


    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006

    Default Re: Monday Laughs:..Politics, Fishing, more Politics, short organs & an economics les

    Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

    Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

    Customer says , 'Female.'

    Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

    Customer says , 'White.'

    Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

    Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

    Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2004

    Default Re: Monday Laughs:..Politics, Fishing, more Politics, short organs & an economics les

    Once there was a young boy that lived in the country. They
    had to use an outhouse, the little boy hated it because it was
    hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stunk all the time.

    The outhouse was sitting on the bank of the river and the boy
    determined that one day he would push that outhouse in the

    One day after a spring rain, the river was swollen so the little
    boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse in, So he
    got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse
    toppled in and floated away.

    That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed
    after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the boy asked
    why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the
    river today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

    The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said,
    "Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down
    a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the

    The dad replied, "Son, George Washington's father wasn't in
    the cherry tree."

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