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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs:....What women want in a man, plus an All-Black memory..........

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    A Woman's list of what she wants in a man!

    Original List at Age 22:

    1. Handsome
    2. Charming
    3. Financially successful
    4. A caring listener
    5. Witty
    6. In good shape
    7. Dresses with style
    8. Appreciates finer things
    9. Full of thoughtful surprises


    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)


    1. Nice looking.
    2. Opens car doors, holds chairs.
    3. Has enough money for a nice dinner.
    4. Listens more than talks.
    5. Laughs at my jokes.
    6. Carries bags of groceries with ease.
    7. Owns at least one tie.
    8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal.
    9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries.


    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)


    1. Not too ugly.
    2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car and my door is closed.
    3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally.
    4. Nods head when I'm talking.
    5. Usually remembers punch-lines of jokes.
    6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture.
    7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach.
    8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.
    9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down.
    10. Shaves most weekends.


    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

    1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed.
    2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public.
    3. Doesn't borrow money too often.
    4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting.
    5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times.
    6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends.
    7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear.
    8. Appreciates a good TV dinner.
    9. Remembers your name on occasion.
    10. Shaves some weekends.


    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

    1. Doesn't scare small children.
    2. Remembers where bathroom is.
    3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep.
    4. Only snores lightly when asleep.
    5. Remembers why he's laughing.
    6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself.
    7. Usually wears some clothes.
    8. Likes soft foods.
    9. Remembers where he left his teeth.
    10. Remembers that it's the weekend.


    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

    1. Breathing.
    2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

    *********************************


    Be careful what you wish for..............

    After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

    Now I have a $1.500,000. home, a $95,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me I should go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

    *********************************


    Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

    His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

    'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

    'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the Golf Club.

    I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey'

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

    'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

    Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

    Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

    Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

    The Cabby turns around and says,

    'Geez Bob, you picked up a real B**** this time.'

    Bob's funeral will be held on Friday.

    *********************************


    My train of thought, triggered by the current All-Blacks success, reminded me of some Mextedisms ...

    The iconic rugby commentator stepped away from the mic many years ago now - but read and enjoy the most absurd and hilarious quotes from the legendary Murray Mexted:


    "Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"

    "He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."

    "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better."

    "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."

    "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

    "There's a couple of Hores on display tonight" (the brothers Charlie Hore [Highlanders] and Andrew Hore [Hurricanes] playing on opposing teams)

    "As you know, I've been pumping Marty Leslie for a couple of years now."

    "You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."

    "This game is a white wash, but the All Blacks are black, these no white teams!"

    "I haven't had a knee operation on any other part of my body."

    "He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the backline."

    "Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside me, come inside me.'"

    "I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through."

    "I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him"

    "Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."

    "There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside"

    "Its all tied up at 14-13"

    "Trapped like a shag on the rocks" (RWC-07 Georgia vs Argentina)

    "He ran like a bat" (RWC-07 Georgia vs Argentina)

    “There’s lots of hooters over here Nisbo.”

    "Both sides are here to play rugby."

    A Sky TV producer was conducting a sound test before the last Springbok test at Carisbrook.
    "Murray can you hear me?....Murray can you hear me?" Murray: "No."

    "The turf here (Newlands) never took properly and it isn't very well rooted...in fact you could say it is rooted.....did I just say that?".
    (N.B. rooted means something similar to screwed, a root in New Zealand/Australian slang means sex)

    "Paul Tito looked like a blind man in a brothel, just left groping."

    "The lineouts of course are a great artform, I've always fantisized about lineouts, even in my sleep sometimes..."

    "Well it was a great kick. We know Matthew Cooper's got tremendous rhythm now, he's smooth, smooth as a baby's bum... By Joves, that didn't slip out did it?"

    "It's very easy to be exposed as an open side (flanker) if you don't have your mate up your backside"

    "Well it still does it for me, the tingle up the spine, the tingle in the loins"

    "Isn't that an interesting scene, the two coaches, Nick Mallett and John Hart. By Joves times have changed haven't they. In the old days they'd be punching each other in that position." - (The two former coaches of the respective South African and New Zealand rugby teams were shown seated together in a grandstand).

    After a 2005 British & Irish Lions series match, talking about referee Stuart Dickinson, Tony Johnson states "Stuart Dickinson had far too much to say in this match", then Murray replies "Stuart Dickinson's a bit of a dick, I think"

    While watching a renowned goal kicker: "And he kicks it with his left-handed foot"

    Eleven minutes into the 2009 Wellington versus Canterbury game, Murray announced "There's a lot to happen in this game yet"


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs:....What women want in a man, plus an All-Black memory..........

    Something I'm sure we can all enjoy...
    ***
    1. Home is where you hang your @.

    2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

    3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

    4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

    5. Great groups from little icons grow.

    6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

    7. In some places, C: is the root of all directories.

    8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

    9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

    10. The modem is the message.

    11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

    12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

    13. Don't byte off more than you can view.

    14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

    15. What boots up must come down.

    16. Windows will never cease.

    17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

    18. Modulation in all things.

    19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

    20. There's no place like your homepage.
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs:....What women want in a man, plus an All-Black memory..........

    Great jokes all!

  4. #4
    curmudgeon
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs:....What women want in a man, plus an All-Black memory..........

    An Irish guy climbs up to the top board of the swimming baths in a diving competition with a large fish under his arm.
    The judge shouts up, "What you gonna do with that?"
    He replies, "Triple somersault with pike!”

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