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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    .

    One morning, on a day when he was being particularly over-active, little Johnny was playing in the backyard.

    Some honeybees started buzzing around him and he began swatting them. His father caught him in the act, and said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny found some butterflies, and started swatting them instead. His father again caught him in then act, and said, "No butter for you for one month!"

    Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead, then she looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

    Little Johnny looked at his Dad and said, "Are you going to tell her, or do you want me to?"

    *********************************


    It was the first day of of school for new entrants and Little Johny was really excited.

    In class his teacher said: "Now that we're all big children we aren't going to use little baby talk anymore. Instead we're going to use "Grown-up" words!

    Now who would like to start by telling about their summer?"

    A girl named Suzie was waving her hand so the teacher called on her. She said: "This summer we went for a ride on a choo-choo train! "

    The teacher said "No.. we don't say choo-choo train at school, we just say "train" Remember everybody, we are using Grown-Up Words.

    Now who's next?"

    Little Johnny jumped up and said "This summer we went to Disneyland and I saw Winnie the Shlt!"

    *********************************


    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shlt!"

    Then I would say, "It is shlt...... Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    *********************************


    Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

    When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

    "Johnny, please wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," The boy replied.

    "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."

    "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

    *********************************


    Little Johnny and his pal Billy were walking in the park when they passed three ladies eating bananas on a bench.

    "Howdy ladies," Little Johnny said as he passed three women.

    "Do you know them?" Billy asked. "No," Little Johnny replied, "I've never met the Nun, the Hooker or the Bride we just passed."

    "How in the world did you know all that about them ladies?" asked Billy.

    "That's easy. The Nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and used the fingers of the other hand to properly break the banana into small pieces."

    "The Prostitute," he continued, "grabbed the banana with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

    "That's pretty impressive!" Billy exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a Newlywed?"

    "Oh, that was the easiest," explained Little Johnny, "She was the one who held the banana with one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

    *********************************


    Little Johnny's teacher asked her students to each bring in an electrical appliance for 'Show & Tell' and the next day every child had something.

    The teacher asks Wendy, "What did you bring?"

    "I brought a Walkman," answers Wendy.

    "And what is it for?" the teacher asks.

    "You can listen to music with it!" replies Wendy.

    "That's nice Wendy, and what did you bring Kenny?" asks the teacher.

    "I brought a electrical can opener, it opens cans!" says Kenny.

    "Well done, Kenny. I see little Johnny didn't bring anything!" the teacher notices.

    Little Johnny says, "Yes, I did. It's in the hall." The whole class looks out into the hall.

    "What is that," the teacher asks.

    Little Johnny replies, "It's a special machine they use in hospitals to keep your heart going!"

    The teacher asks, "And what did your father say when you took it?"

    Little Johnny replied, "Aaaaahhhhh!"


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    And what a great start to 2014.

    Billy, keep em coming!
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  3. #3
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    Loved them. Loved them all haha. Yay for Monday Laughs!
    ***
    Little Johnny was walking down the road with a loaf of bread in one hand and the other in his pocket when Father O'Rielly sees this.
    He goes up and asks Johnny "Ah, young Johnny, I see you have the staff of life in your hand... May I ask what is in the other?"
    Little Johnny looks up and says "A loaf of bread Father."
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  4. #4
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    Quote Originally Posted by lordnoddy View Post
    Loved them. Loved them all haha. Yay for Monday Laughs!
    ***
    Little Johnny was walking down the road with a loaf of bread in one hand and the other in his pocket when Father O'Rielly sees this.
    He goes up and asks Johnny "Ah, young Johnny, I see you have the staff of life in your hand... May I ask what is in the other?"

    Little Johnny looks up and says "A loaf of bread Father."
    That one should be put up in lights! It's a doozy.......

    And to think I was selecting the less controversial examples.....!

    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  5. #5
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
    The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
    "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
    "My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
    "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
    "That's because he's inside your cat!"

    ----------------
    A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
    She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
    The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
    I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.
    "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
    Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!
    Spit'em out!
    They're ar*e holes!"
    ---------------

    One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
    As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
    He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
    "Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
    "I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
    "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.
    He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one.
    Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
    "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

  6. #6
    Modulator Greg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    Little Johnny was in the garden trying to put a worm back into its hole in the ground. It got a bit squishy, so Johnny got a can of polyurethane from the shed and sprayed the worm so it became rigid, and he managed to get it into the hole

    Grandpa was watching, and called Johnny over... "That was very clever Johnny boy. Here's 50 cents for your thinking. And here's another 50 cents from Grandma".
    -----------------------------------

    Little Johnny was at home when the phone rang. He answered the call which was from his grandpa, who was away on holiday.

    "Hello Johnny, how's things at home?"

    "Well Grandpa, the cat's dead".

    Grandpa got into a faint, and when he'd recovered said "Son, when an old man like me gets a shock like that you need to break the news gently. For instance, you should have said 'Grandpa, the cat got onto the roof. And Grandpa, he slipped, then he fell onto the gutter. He tried to stay up there, but oh dear, he fell off the roof onto the ground. And I'm so sorry Grandpa, but the cat didn't make it and died' That makes it so much easier for an old man to come to terms with the shock."

    So anyway son, how's Grandma?"

    "Well Grandpa... Grandma's on the roof..."
    Bugger the cancer. I'm suffering from terminal inertia.

  7. #7
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    Little Johnny and his younger brother Ben were making an exciting plan to swear in front of their Mother. Both boys went to the dining room table and their Mother asked "Ben, what would you like for breakfast?" Ben thinks about this for a second and says "I would like some f#$%en pancakes!" His Mother yells at him for swearing and gives him a good smack and sends him to his room!
    She then turns to Little Johnny and says "Now Johnny, what would you like for breakfast?"
    And Johnny Replies "Well, I sure as hell don't want any f#$%en pancakes!"
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  8. #8
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

    "A cat!" said Suzy.

    "Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

    "A dog!" said Ricky.

    "Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

    The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

    "I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  9. #9
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs.......Let's start 2014 with more 'Little Johnny.............

    Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine"

    By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

    Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

    Mr. Smith doesn't think the little **** is adorable anymore.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

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