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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    .


    We'll start with a charming song about the disillusionment children can feel when they wake on Christmas Morning, only to find that Santa hasn't delivered on all that he promised them when they sat on his knee at the Mall.

    There are two versions below, if you are sensitive in nature, or have children looking over your shoulder, play the second version.

    However, if you want to laugh until you cry and your incontinence pants need changing, take the second option.


    (1) Santa where's my bike (censored)


    (2) Santa where's my bike


    *********************************


    This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine
    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.

    A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

    Dear Diary,

    For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Johan, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    ________________________________
    MONDAY:
    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Johan waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

    Johan gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Johan was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

    ________________________________
    TUESDAY:
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Johan made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

    _______________________________
    WEDNESDAY:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Johan was a little impatient with me today, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Johan put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Johan told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shlt too.

    _______________________________
    THURSDAY:
    Arseh0le was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bltch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

    _________________________________
    FRIDAY:
    I hate that bastard Johan more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Johan wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    ________________________________
    SATURDAY:
    Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    ________________________________
    SUNDAY:
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over that far, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


    *********************************


    Indoor Golf : Rules of Play

    Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls.

    All stroke play must be approved by the owner of the course.

    Unlike outdoor golf, the prime object of indoor golf is to get the club in the hole and keep your ball(s) out of the hole(s).

    For the most effective play, the club-owner should ensure that their shaft is firm and will not bend.

    Course owners are permitted to check shaft rigidity at any time before play begins.

    Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

    The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner announces that the play is complete.

    Ceasing stroke play before the game is completed may result in the offending player being denied permission to play the course again.

    It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course and the experienced players will normally take time to admire the greens and pay special attention to well formed bunkers.

    Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for such severe breaches of player etiquette.

    Players are encouraged to bring proper wet weather gear for their own protection.

    All players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a pre-booked private course.

    Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times as some players have been embarrassed toy find the course temporarily under repair. All Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play at this time.

    Players are advised to obtain the Course Manager's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

    Slow play is encouraged, however, players always should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

    It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one month.

    *********************************


    YOU KNOW YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER 2014 WHEN......

    1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

    7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

    10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

    12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

    13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this joke.

    14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.



    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)

    Mods: Please be gentle with the videos, it is the season of goodwill after all.
    Last edited by Billy T; 16-12-2013 at 12:18 PM.
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    Jeez Billy... wet me pants!!!

    Ken

  3. #3
    PC World Contributor
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
    I don't even bother getting up first

  4. #4
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    Just received this recipe for the Christmas chook.....


    Easy Chicken Recipe

    Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people like me who are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked but not dried out. Give this a try.

    1 chicken
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing
    1 cup uncooked popcorn
    Salt/pepper to taste

    Preheat oven to 200 degrees.
    Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper.
    Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.
    Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat..


    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  5. #5
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    Good ones, Guys ...

    Kenj I have to cook on Boxing Day. Do you think your Christmas Chook recipe will work then as well?

    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  6. #6
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    There are two versions below, if you are sensitive in nature, or have children looking over your shoulder, play the FIRST version.

    However, if you want to laugh until you cry and your incontinence pants need changing, take the second option.


    (1) Santa where's my bike (censored)


    (2) Santa where's my bike
    Corrected ...

    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  7. #7
    Senior Member pctek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    Good jokes this week.
    Santas bike, sick to death of it....husband sings bits EVERY year (the uncensored version)!!!!!!!! Obviously his favourite carol or something.....


    Good recipe...

    Here's my joke, well not mine but you know...:
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    Last edited by pctek; 16-12-2013 at 01:55 PM.
    wipe your paws.

  8. #8
    Senior Member pctek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    On the first day of Christmas
    my true love sent to me:
    12 Drummers Drumming
    11 Pipers Piping
    10 Lords a Leaping
    9 Ladies Dancing
    8 Maids a Milking
    7 Swans a Swimming
    6 Geese a Laying
    5 Golden Rings
    4 Calling Birds
    3 French Hens
    2 Turtle Doves

    and a Partridge in a Pear Tree



    Ok, so it's not a partridge and it's no longer in the tree, but it's the thought that counts.
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    Last edited by pctek; 16-12-2013 at 02:06 PM.
    wipe your paws.

  9. #9
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    OMG pctek! that was not what I was expecting lmao!

    Good jokes this week everyone - keep "em coming - sorry I didn't have any good ones come through lately
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  10. #10
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Xmas Themed - in part..........

    Quote Originally Posted by WalOne View Post
    Corrected ...

    Yeah!

    I got back to it just after the edit time limit expired, ain't it always the way?.

    No matter, 99% of PF1 readers who also read Monday Laughs will have picked up on that, and the other one is on holiday and won't give a stuff.

    I could ask a Mod to fix it, but then you'd be confused

    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)

    I blame Billy Jnr, he is (briefly) back from his world travels and has disturbed (in the nicest possible way) the fragile equilibrium between my capabilities and Mrs T's demands, now I have two people wanting me to fix things. Next week our daughter arrives home and that will start another round of fix this, buy that, why dunnit work? have you got.... etc. Right now a Nepalese monastery is looking good
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

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