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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    .

    My Accident

    oooooooowahhhh...........

    I woke up in a hospital ICU, swathed in bandages, tubes entering different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function.

    It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

    A gorgeous nurse hovering over me, and I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

    I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

    *********************************


    The Jewish Elbow…

    A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

    "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301.

    There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

    Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.

    When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

    "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

    *********************************


    The Wise Italian Grandfather

    An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But Grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

    "You lissina me, boy! says the old man. "Somma day you gonna be runna da family business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

    "Somma day maybe you gonna come-a home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then?

    Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

    *********************************


    Gambling Irish blonde...

    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

    Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

    The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

    MORAL OF THE STORY

    Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

    ..... but all men...are men!

    *********************************


    Global Facts About Sex

    At any given moment:

    FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

    FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

    FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

    FACT: 1 sad lonely person is reading jokes on a website.

    You hang in there, sunshine!


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    Only slightly off colour? Not good enough, BillyT.

    Try this one ...


    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

    Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

    Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

    Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

    Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

    Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

    They downed their drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

    Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”


    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  3. #3
    The Sane of Insanity stratex5's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    Is it just me or are these jokes just becoming more and more sexual and disturbing in some ways? I thought this site was for all ages, at least have some sort of disclaimer on these sorts of posts. Love you jokes Billy but I just had to say

  4. #4
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    Quote Originally Posted by stratex5 View Post
    Is it just me or are these jokes just becoming more and more sexual and disturbing in some ways? I thought this site was for all ages, at least have some sort of disclaimer on these sorts of posts. Love you jokes Billy but I just had to say
    Perhaps a short hint like "...Slightly off-colour today.........." in the title would do the trick?
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  5. #5
    Senior Member pctek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    Quote Originally Posted by stratex5 View Post
    Is it just me or are these jokes just becoming more and more sexual and disturbing in some ways?
    Must be you. They have often been sexual and disturbing. For ages...
    wipe your paws.

  6. #6
    Old guy
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    Most jokes are offensive to someone. That is why they are funny. Starts with little boys fart jokes and continues on up the line. Unless they are deliberately hurtful I do not have a problem with them. IMHO BillyT does a great job of selecting and self censoring the amusment he produces for us each week. Keep it up BillyT (that is not a sexual comment)

  7. #7
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    Quote Originally Posted by CliveM View Post
    Keep it up BillyT (that is not a sexual comment)
    Thanks for the support Clive, and Mrs T echoes your sentiment.

    Seriously, I edit all material to keep happy the Grammar Gnomes, the Punctuation Princesses, The Spelling Scrutinisers, the Content Critics, the Moderator Minders, the Rhyme Regulators, and the Sleasily Shocked.

    I've presented a weekly contribution since the late 1990's, with the able assistance of various stand-ins when I am overseas or otherwise away from the office, and by a rough count I am coming up 800 more or less consecutive weeks of strange words (Word for the Weekend) and bad jokes.

    I can't account for the wishes of normal people as well,

    so as I remind Mrs T on a regular basis:

    You gets what you gets, and as regular as I can manage.

    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)

    Actually, I usually do warn when content might offend,
    and I copped a ban once for a ripper of a joke that would not raise a ripple today...........


    PS I just love the Oirish Joke Wal, it's a little zipper or should that be ripper???
    Last edited by Billy T; 05-11-2013 at 02:08 PM.
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  8. #8
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

    The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

    Walking into the back room, the boy told the manager "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

    As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later, the manager said to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

    "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

    "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

    "Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand!"

    "Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  9. #9
    Modulator Greg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    Quote Originally Posted by stratex5 View Post
    Is it just me or are these jokes just becoming more and more sexual and disturbing in some ways? I thought this site was for all ages, at least have some sort of disclaimer on these sorts of posts. Love you jokes Billy but I just had to say
    C'mon mate... yeah this site and the forums are for all ages, but really most who frequent here are mature enough not to be offended. And Billy himself ain't a grubby individual by any means.
    Bugger the cancer. I'm suffering from terminal inertia.

  10. #10
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Monday Laughs..........Slightly off-colour today..........

    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

    As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train."

    "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

    "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss."

    "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

    "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

    Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

    When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

    Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

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