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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs......Normal service resumes ..................

    .
    .

    Dave sat at the Bar, staring sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.

    “What’s up Dave,” asked the bartender, “it’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

    “It’s my six year old son..…” Dave replied.

    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same;

    – forget about it, that happens with boys that age” said the bartender, sympathetically.

    “I only wish it was” continued Dave, “but it’s far worse than that, the little bastard has gotten that gorgeous 18 year old girl that lives next door pregnant.”

    “Get away!” gasped the bartender. "That’s impossible!"

    “No it’s not” said Dave.

    “The little sod stuck a pin through all my condoms”.

    *********************************


    A devout Arab Muslim hailed a Black Cab in London.

    After getting in, he curtly asked the Cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

    The driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

    The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "

    The Cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel!"

    *********************************


    Ed and Linda met while on a Singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

    When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

    Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.

    While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

    Ed said, "I can help you get over that, no worries!

    I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

    *********************************


    Best late-for-work excuse this week.

    "My husband took an overdose of Viagra, and I couldn't leave him with the maid".

    SB R2x1

    *********************************


    Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? As it turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

    Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an 'event boundary' in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.

    Apparently they have discovered that your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

    (Just where it files those thoughts is still to be discovered I reckon.)

    Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that Stupid Bloody Door!



    The same Psychologists have been researching the structure of the female brain and discovered that, functionally, it is compromised of two hemispheres:

    On the left side nothing is right, and on the right side nothing is left.

    That's all the explanation I needed, I now understand where Mrs T isn't coming from.

    Where she IS coming from remains a mystery.


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Normal service resumes ..................

    Good ones Billy! Cheers.

    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  3. #3
    Senior Member Bobh's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Normal service resumes ..................

    Great laughs - good to see you back.
    Windows 10 Home 64-bit, Intel Core i3 540 3.07GHz, 8 GB Dual-Channel DDR3, Gigabyte H55-USB3, Nvidia Geforce GTS 450, Hauppauge WinTV-HVR-3300

  4. #4
    curmudgeon
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Normal service resumes ..................

    We hired an Eastern European maid to clean the house.
    It took her 15 hours to vacuum the whole house.
    Turns out she was a Slovak.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Normal service resumes ..................

    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

    " Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

    "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea.."

    To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know $hit?"
    Last edited by Roscoe; 12-06-2013 at 03:35 PM.
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

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