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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    .
    .

    Mondays: Are you telling me they will happen EVERY week?

    *********************************


    TOMORROW: (Noun)

    A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.

    *********************************


    50% Air, 50% Fluid.

    Technically, the glass is completely full.

    *********************************


    Put the Politicians on the minimum wage, then watch developments.

    *********************************


    Sequential Idots...............


    Number One Idiot:

    I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

    Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

    I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

    Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

    *********************************


    Number Two Idiot:

    Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.

    They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

    Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.

    It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

    They are no longer employed at Boeing.

    Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

    *********************************


    Number Three Idiot:

    A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.
    While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

    After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

    Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left .

    He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

    Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

    *********************************


    Number Four Idiot:

    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

    Several days later, he received a letter from t he police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

    Wise guy........ But you still get a sign.

    *********************************


    Number Five Idiot:

    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.

    The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.

    The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

    This guy definitely needs a sign.

    *********************************


    Number Six Idiot:

    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

    The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'

    When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

    This guy doesn't even deserve a sign!

    *********************************


    Number Seven Idiot:

    Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.

    The liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

    The whole event was caught on videotape.

    Yep, here's your sign!

    *********************************


    Number Eight Idiot:

    I live in a semi-rural area. (Weyauwega, Wisconsin) We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the 'Deer Crossing' sign on our road.

    Her reason:

    'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Last edited by Billy T; 27-05-2013 at 09:42 AM.
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Senior Member Gobe1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    Hahahaaaa love the last one

    Thanks Billy
    Multiplayer games are the Shizz "Theres nothing like killing your mates!" Me

  3. #3
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    Great post, Billy! I always thought the anecdote of the speed camera, photo of the $$$s etc (Idiot #4) was really quite clever, with some humour on the part of both the cops and the speedster.

    But the last one? Only in America ...

    Audio Clip

    Last edited by WalOne; 27-05-2013 at 10:47 AM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  4. #4
    Superanuitant Poppa John's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    Given that the Chat is closing down...will we all be having withdrawall problems? Or is Billy T allowed to post The Laughs on the Tech Forum.
    After all..... my computer always feels better after reading them!!!PJ
    Deafness.
    When I was younger I heard but didn't listen.
    Now I am older, I listen but cannot hear.

    If it is not broke, don't make it broker by trying to make it better. (This applies specifically to PJ)

  5. #5
    PC World Staff Siobhan Keogh's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    Quote Originally Posted by Poppa John View Post
    Given that the Chat is closing down...will we all be having withdrawall problems? Or is Billy T allowed to post The Laughs on the Tech Forum.
    After all..... my computer always feels better after reading them!!!PJ
    He's allowed to post the laughs if he wants to continue to do so

  6. #6
    Trying to fiddle less! R.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    I absolutely 'need' Monday Laughs - I plagiarise them shamelessly in the newsletter I put out for the club I'm in.
    Now-if I could just remember where I left my brain...

  7. #7
    Computer "Specialist" Agent_24's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    Quote Originally Posted by Poppa John View Post
    Given that the Chat is closing down...
    Wait.

    What?
    Non-system disk or disk error. Replace and strike any key when ready.

  8. #8
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

    1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

    2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

    3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

    4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

    5) - A dolphin breaths through an a***ole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

    6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

    7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

    8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

    9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

    10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

    11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

    12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

    13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ***. Julie, age 7)

    14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

    15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

  9. #9
    Senior member Iantech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    Number Nine Idiot

    Fairfax Media

    Reason:

    Wanting to close PC World Chat because its all about the money and not about the people, yet if it wasn't for the people, they wouldn't exist!! Typical bean-counter mentality.
    Intel Water Cooled i7 3770k, ,Z77X UB5, 30Gb mSATA SSD, 16Gb XPG DDR3 1600 Ram, 2x 1Tb HDD, GTX 670, Blu-Ray RW, Enermax NAXN 750W, CM HAF 912 Advanced Case.

  10. #10
    Boulful Sallad goodiesguy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......One-Liners - plus a collection of idiots ..................

    Quote Originally Posted by Iantech View Post
    Number Nine Idiot

    Fairfax Media

    Reason:

    Wanting to close PC World Chat because its all about the money and not about the people, yet if it wasn't for the people, they wouldn't exist!! Typical bean-counter mentality.
    +1
    PC: Intel® Core™ i5-650 3.20 GHz | Intel® Desktop Board DQ57TM | 8GB DDR3 RAM | Radeon HD 4870 | Windows 10 Pro 64-Bit

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