Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Middle Earth
    Posts
    6,887

    Talking Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    .
    .


    Did you hear the midday news?

    Beautiful lust-crazed female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping men with big *cough* appendages.....

    You're not in any danger, I just posted this to say goodbye.

    *********************************


    I got a new stick deodorant today.

    The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

    I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely...

    *********************************


    The urologist

    Man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

    When he gets there , he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

    The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

    I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

    The guy obeys and says, '99'!

    The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, ’99’."

    Again, the guy says, '99'

    The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis and your testicles, to keep them out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."

    The guy begins,

    'One ... Two .... Three.

    *********************************


    A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.

    Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

    The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

    "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".

    "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

    The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

    "Well, my mum and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

    The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

    "What if your mum was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player?

    Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"

    A pause, and a smile, then says Kristen,

    "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"

    *********************************


    A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

    The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

    The husband decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too far, fell into the well and drowned.

    The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said:

    "It really works!"

    *********************************


    Another Marriage Story:

    The Woman, the Frog, and the Three Wishes

    A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

    She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

    Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

    The woman said, 'That's okay.'

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

    The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman of all and he will have eyes only for me.'

    So, KAZAM-......she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you.'

    The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

    So, KAZAM-......she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


    Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.


    Male readers :
    Please scroll down.
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....

    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.


    Moral of the story (1):

    Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

    Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.


    PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen....

    Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

    *********************************


    Molly The Camel

    A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

    During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent and as ladder lying on the ground beside it, so he asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

    The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the Camel.'

    The Captain said, 'I can't say that I agree with this, but I do understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

    About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

    Crazed with lust and pent-up urges, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

    Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

    When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

    Sergeant replied, 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town.

    That's where the girls are.'


    Moral of the story (2) :-

    If you are not sure of how things are done in your new job,

    don't be ashamed to ask for clarification before 'dicking the camel'.


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    I've moved to the shore 0.o
    Posts
    1,170

    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    Cheers Billy - I've been saving for a decent amount of time to post some good ones and here they are...
    ***
    A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
    son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the
    family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you,
    I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
    do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

    The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
    noise."

    "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the
    office and take charge of some of the operations."

    "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
    stuck behind a desk all day."

    "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a
    half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like
    factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with
    you?"

    "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!”

    XXX

    On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
    following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
    shipwreck:

    2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
    2 French men and 1 French woman
    2 German men and 1 German woman
    2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
    2 English men and 1 English woman
    2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
    2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
    2 American men and 1 American woman
    2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

    One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
    middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ...

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
    menage-a-trois.

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
    with the German woman

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
    cleaning and cooking for them.

    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
    English woman.

    The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another
    long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

    The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant
    and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply
    employees for their stores.

    The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
    American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of
    feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
    fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
    trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her
    opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her
    mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't
    raining.


    The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup
    a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it
    gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But
    they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

    XXX

    An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
    of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
    scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
    it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
    you just served?"

    The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
    testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

    The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
    vacation! Bring me an order!"

    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
    day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
    tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

    The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
    evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
    After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
    to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
    smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
    bull wins."

    XXX

    At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing
    whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman,"
    said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

    "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest.
    "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

    "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

    "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has
    kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it
    forever."

    XXX

    An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown
    had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

    "It wasn't easy," admitted her daughter, "but three girls helped me
    catch him.
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  3. #3
    curmudgeon
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    411

    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    Read a survey earlier on why men liked blowjobs...
    5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!

    I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    Man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

    The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern..

    Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

    Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
    It was a lovely service.

    19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
    Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

  4. #4
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    I've moved to the shore 0.o
    Posts
    1,170

    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    Quote Originally Posted by tutaenui View Post
    Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

    Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
    It was a lovely service.
    Oh... gawd... my... sides...
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  5. #5
    Senior Member Gobe1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    New Plymouth
    Posts
    4,649

    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    +Great stuff guys
    "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." Haw haw
    Multiplayer games are the Shizz "Theres nothing like killing your mates!" Me

  6. #6
    Senior Member Digby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Tauranga
    Posts
    5,179

    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    I liked the roll on deodorant one

    And most of the one liners.
    So what colour is your Adkaf?
    Have you joined Proud to Be Kiwi yet?

  7. #7
    Senior Member Bobh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Invercargill
    Posts
    3,173

    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    That one about the camel has been around for a while. Typical of an Army Officer to fall for that.
    Windows 10 Home 64-bit, Intel Core i3 540 3.07GHz, 8 GB Dual-Channel DDR3, Gigabyte H55-USB3, Nvidia Geforce GTS 450, Hauppauge WinTV-HVR-3300

  8. #8
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    North Shore.
    Posts
    13,950

    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    Dear Mother-in-law,
    Don't teach me how to handle my children.
    I have one you tried, and he needs a lot of improvement!?

    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

    A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his
    sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
    The doctor replies: "Try giving him a chance to speak when he's awake."

    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, strangely enough, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs Daniel. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "That I did, to be sure," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a few minutes there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  9. #9
    Senior Member Gobe1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    New Plymouth
    Posts
    4,649

    Default Re: Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....

    It's a guy thing ...


    The human body has 7 trillion nerves ... my wife manages to get on every ****ing one of them.
    ————————————————————————
    I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant ... It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex.
    ————————————————————————
    My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my c**k.
    ————————————————————————
    I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
    I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
    I said, “My wife thinks that my d**k tastes funny”
    ————————————————————————
    I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
    Dyslexic *****, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
    ————————————————————————
    A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
    His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
    Husband replies, “Our wedding video ..."
    ————————————————————————
    Life is like a penis ... Soft and hanging freely ... It’s women that make it hard.
    ————————————————————————
    I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
    “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
    That spider never knew what ****ing hit it.
    ———————————————————————–
    I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
    She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
    Multiplayer games are the Shizz "Theres nothing like killing your mates!" Me

Similar Threads

  1. Monday Laughs will not appear today
    By Billy T in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 17-09-2012, 09:47 PM
  2. Ps2 Male to female USB?
    By adslgeek in forum PressF1
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 01-02-2010, 04:39 PM
  3. Replies: 33
    Last Post: 22-05-2009, 11:10 AM
  4. No Monday Laughs today, or this week.
    By Billy T in forum PC World Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 02-05-2009, 03:36 PM
  5. Replies: 16
    Last Post: 27-10-2006, 08:29 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •