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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

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    .


    ADULT:

    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    ----------------------------------

    BEAUTY PARLOR:

    A place where women curl up and dye.

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    CANNIBAL:

    Someone who is fed up with people.

    ----------------------------------

    CHICKENS:

    The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

    ----------------------------------

    COMMITTEE:

    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    ---------------------------------

    DUST:

    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    ---------------------------------

    EGOTIST:

    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    ---------------------------------

    HANDKERCHIEF:

    Cold storage.

    --------------------------------

    INFLATION:

    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

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    MOSQUITO:

    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    -------------------------------

    RAISIN:

    Grape with sunburn.

    -------------------------------

    SECRET:

    Something you tell to one person at a time.

    --------------------------------

    SKELETON:


    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

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    TOOTHACHE:

    The pain that drives you to extraction.

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    TOMORROW:

    One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

    --------------------------------

    YAWN:

    An honest opinion, openly expressed.

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    And my favorite,


    WRINKLES:

    Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

    *********************************


    THE Word........

    Without doubt, this is THE most functional and multipurpose English word.

    You want to know what it is?

    Well, it's shlt ... that's right, shlt!


    Shlt may just be the most functional word in the English language.

    Consider: You can get shlt-faced, Be shlt-out-of-luck, Or have shlt for brains.

    With a little effort, you can get your shlt together, find a place for your shlt, or be told to shlt or get off the pot.

    You can smoke shlt, buy shlt, sell shlt, lose shlt, find shlt, forget shlt, and tell others to eat shlt.

    Some people know their shlt, while others can't tell the difference between shlt and shoe polish.

    There are lucky shlts, dumb shlts, and crazy shlts. There is bull shlt, horse shlt, and chicken shlt.

    You can throw shlt, sling shlt, catch shlt, shoot the shlt, or duck when the shlt hlts the fan.

    You can give a shlt or serve shlt on a shingle.

    You can find yourself in deep shlt or be happier than a pig in shlt.

    Some days are colder than shlt, some days are hotter than shlt, and some days are just plain shltty.

    Some music sounds like shlt, things can look like shlt, and there are times when you feel like shlt!

    You can have too much shlt, not enough shlt, the right shlt, the wrong shlt or a lot of weird shlt.

    You can carry shlt, have a mountain of shlt, or find yourself up shlt-creek without a paddle.

    Sometimes everything you touch turns to shlt and other times you fall in a bucket of shlt and come out smelling like a rose.

    When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

    And remember, once you know your shlt, you don't need to know anything else!!


    You could pass this along, if you give a shlt; or not do so if you don't give a shlt!


    Well, Shlt, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shlt and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shlt. But, if you happened to catch a load of shlt from some shlt-head..........

    Well, Shlt Happens.

    Oooh, this is great.....

    *********************************


    BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

    Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year."

    It is possible that Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
    (The Daily Telegraph)


    Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.

    When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
    (The Manchester Evening News)


    Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.

    It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
    (The Guardian)


    A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.

    A Coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
    (The Times)


    At the height of the gale, the Harbourmaster radioed a Coast Guard member and asked him to estimate the wind speed.

    He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
    (Aberdeen Evening Express)


    Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden.

    He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
    (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

    (Using proper-sounding names and addresses, and real newpapers helps you to forget that this is a load of old rope........)

    *********************************


    A Scotsman is walking through a field one afternoon when he sees a man using his hand to scoop water from a pool into his mouth.

    The Scotsman shouts " Haw, dinnae swally thon water, it's fu' o' Coo's Keech!" (full of cows shlt)

    The man shouts back "I'm from London, speak English - I don't understand you!"

    The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in at a time!"


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Senior Member Gobe1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

    haha love the last one
    thanks Billy
    Multiplayer games are the Shizz "Theres nothing like killing your mates!" Me

  3. #3
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

    Thanks

  4. #4
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

    I thought at first Billy, you'd mispelt "risque", but you hadn't. Bugger.

    So for those also looking for a frisson,


    This happened at a local backblocks dance ...

    The Kiwi bloke asked a girl hiker from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "in Godzone we call this a hug."

    She replies, "yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too."

    A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "in Godzone we call this a kiss."

    She replies, "yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too."

    Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out back of the hall into the paddock and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "in Godzone we call this a grass sandwich."

    She says, "yaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
    Last edited by WalOne; 04-02-2013 at 06:40 PM.
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  5. #5
    curmudgeon
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

    A young Kiwi guy moves to Sydney and goes to a big" everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience? The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Taumarunui ."
    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "one".


    The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$121,237.65".


    The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"


    The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin outboard runabout . Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."


    The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Bro, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

  6. #6
    Senior Member Gobe1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

    @tut
    Multiplayer games are the Shizz "Theres nothing like killing your mates!" Me

  7. #7
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

    Haha love it tut!

    Thanks Billy!
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  8. #8
    Wrinkly Member! B.M.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

    I'm not sure this should actually be in the "Joke Department", it was sent to me.


    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards.

    Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


    For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******** that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..


    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.


    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.


    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


    Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.


    HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
    Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
    Global Warming is Mann made.

    Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
    .
    The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

  9. #9
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs......Random stuff....Late, and possibly a little risky as well....

    Bahaha love that B.M.
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

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