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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    Something new: Starting from today, Monday Laughs will credit the source of jokes posted if they were received from PF1 members. There is no point in crediting my other sources as they are unknown on this site, but I do acknowledge their contribution and my appreciation. There will be some errors and omissions because I have not recorded the contributors of many in my file, and unfortunately this will continue because I have a good number of jokes from long forgotten sources. If some are yours, please consider yourself thanked and appreciated.

    Jokes are not always submitted in the form they are received. Some I kiwi-ise, and many I edit for context, spelling, grammar or simply 'flow' reasons, I like to see good metre and rhyme in the poetic versions.

    SB=Submitted By...

    Billy
    .
    .
    There were four farm cadets who were in the final stages of interviewing for a job.

    The interviewer told them that he would ask each of them the same question, and whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired.

    All applicants agreed that this was fair, so the recruitment interviewer asked the first cadet the question, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

    The young man thought for a moment and replied, “That would have to be a thought.”

    “Why do you say that?” asked the interviewer.

    “Well, a thought takes no time at all…it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.”

    “Ahh, very good. thank you,” replied the interviewer.

    Next the same question was posed to the next cadet, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

    The young man paused and replied, “That would have to be a blink.”

    “Why?” asked the interviewer.

    “Because you don’t even think about a blink, it’s just a reflex. You do it in an instant.”

    The third young man was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, “I would have to say electricity. Why? Because my dad can flip a switch at the house, and immediately the light will go on down at the cowshed.”

    “I see, very good,” replied the interviewer.

    Then, the last young man was asked, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

    “That’s easy…” he replied, “that would have to be diarrhoea!”

    Rather stunned, the interviewer asked, “Why do you say that?”

    “Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed then suddenly I got the worst stomach cramps ever!

    Next thing I knew, before I could think, blink, or turn on the lights, I'd shlt myself!!!!!”


    SB-SP8's

    *********************************


    Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

    His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

    Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off."

    The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

    The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

    They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

    "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas, it's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course ...'

    She said, 'Don’t forget your sweater!' "

    *********************************


    A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

    He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

    Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

    At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

    The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash, everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

    The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

    He then slowly climbed out of the pool.

    Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

    The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

    'Nah, you're all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

    The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

    'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

    The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

    Again, Colin said "No."

    Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want me to do for you?

    Colin said,

    ‘I want you to tell me the name of the bastard who pushed me in.’

    *********************************


    Barry, the Kiwi builder, was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it.

    She was telling him what colours to paint each room.

    They went into the first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue."

    The builder went to to the front door and yelled out "Green side up!"

    As he went back she said the next room was to be red.

    The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up!"

    Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan."

    And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up!"

    The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but, you always yell "Green side up",

    "What do you say that for?"

    "Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder.

    "I've got a couple of Aussies laying turf out front, they've never seen green grass before."

    *********************************


    Now for an educational interlude to improve your working week:


    Did You Know............


    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

    (Hardly seems worth it.)

    ------------------------------


    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough methane gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb,

    and enough effluvium* to suffocate any survivors.

    (Now that's more like it!)

    * Go look it up

    ------------------------------

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

    (O.M.G.!)

    ------------------------------

    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

    (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

    ------------------------------

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

    (I'm still not over the pig.)

    ------------------------------

    Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

    (Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

    ------------------------------

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.

    The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off..

    (Hi Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

    ------------------------------

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

    (Thirty minutes? Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

    ------------------------------

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    ------------------------------

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

    ------------------------------

    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    (Something I always wanted to know.)

    ------------------------------

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

    (Hmmmmmm......)

    ------------------------------

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    ------------------------------

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

    (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

    ------------------------------

    A cat's urine glows under a black light.

    (I wonder how much our government paid to figure that out.)

    ------------------------------

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    (I know some people like that.)

    ------------------------------

    Starfish have no brains.

    (I know some people like that, too.)

    ------------------------------

    Polar bears are left-handed (pawed?).

    (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

    ------------------------------

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

    (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

    ------------------------------


    Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle..

    In other words, send it to everyone!

    (and God love that pig!)



    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Last edited by Billy T; 12-11-2012 at 10:07 AM.
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    Thanks Billy made my day off even better

  3. #3
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    Great as usual thanks Billy! (And SP8's).

    Will come back with some later =D
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  4. #4
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    Yay, it's Monday again. Cheers Billy.

  5. #5
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    Alright as promised...
    ***
    Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost
    all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a
    bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an
    even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her
    way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd
    hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying
    on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me,
    miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of
    breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing
    on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit
    as you have for the past week." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked
    rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
    towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
    the dining room skylight!"
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  6. #6
    Senior Member Gobe1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    Good stuff thanks Billy
    Multiplayer games are the Shizz "Theres nothing like killing your mates!" Me

  7. #7
    Slipping into Madness lordnoddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    Me and my best mate got done for indecent exposure on the weekend.
    He got let off for insufficient evidence .

    I got done for dealing...


    Too much for personal use!
    Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Bobh's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    I will never get an Aussie to lay my turf.
    Windows 10 Home 64-bit, Intel Core i3 540 3.07GHz, 8 GB Dual-Channel DDR3, Gigabyte H55-USB3, Nvidia Geforce GTS 450, Hauppauge WinTV-HVR-3300

  9. #9
    IT Consultant johcar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

    In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

    'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

    Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

    Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

    The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

    Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

    Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

    Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

    'Now wot da fock would you say?'

    It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. -William G. McAdoo, lawyer and politician (1863-1941)

  10. #10
    Not in dev/null yet ChazTheGeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig......

    Nice ones...I wonder what being a pig would be like.
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