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  1. #1
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    Seasoned Gratings from Sheriff Walone and Deputy R2x1 standing in for Billy T while he’s away dealing to those Aussies. After recovering from the heady frisson of being appointed Editor (ohh, the power and the glory – as only an editor knows) it is now time to get down to the matter of softening the hearts of all except the most irrevocable of irrevocable cynics. [Cut the crap and get on with it – Ed #2]

    So, without further ado, and hoping we can justify Billy T’s faith in us, here’s our Christmas Eve edition of Monday Laughs …



    VIDEO - LETS GET STARTED WITH A FLASH MOB

    WESTJET FLASH MOB

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for. A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

    He brings the husband over to a colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that while Chet certainly is pretty, he doesn't seem to be much of a singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

    The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

    The husband rushes home to his SWMBO and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

    Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." SWMBO is absolutely taken, but with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

    With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing – “Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire”!

    (Ouch!)
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. It was then that Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

    When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

    The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

    Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    In the true spirit of Christmas: Santa understands how to handle this “new world”!!!

    What a “with it” kinda guy:


    Dear Santa,
    How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
    Merry Christmas,
    Timmy

    ><>><<><

    Dear Timmy,
    Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*
    Merry Christmas,
    Santa Claus

    ><>><<><

    Mr. Claus,
    Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
    Respectfully,
    Tim Jones

    ><>><<><

    Mr. Jones,
    While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
    Very Truly Yours,
    S Claus

    ><>><<><

    Now look here Fat Man,
    I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. Whatever I want, Man!
    T-Bone

    ><>><<><

    Listen Pizza Face,
    Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
    S Clizzy

    ><>><<><

    Dear Santa,
    Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
    Timmy

    ><>><<><

    Timmy,
    That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
    Santa

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    VIDEO Santa’s stuck, up in the chim-an-ee

    SANTA STUCK IN THE CHIMANEE

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


    Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT hause!"

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


    It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.

    He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly “'don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man.”

    The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.

    The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it. Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.

    "No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened, a bright star appeared the East.'

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


    On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.”Jesus Christ!” he yelled. The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Trev?”

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

    Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by dishevelled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

    'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."

    "Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.

    He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by SWMBO.

    "How could you be so mean and uncharitable," she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you."

    Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

    On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

    The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the thwing."

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

    The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
    He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

    'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said.

    The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
    He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'.

    The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'and just what do those symbolise?'

    The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

    And so the Christmas season begins......

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    Why a Christmas Tree is better than a Man:

    1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
    2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
    3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
    4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
    5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
    6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
    7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
    8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
    9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


    I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

    He'd always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His followers loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

    After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone it simply wasn't going to rain.

    He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, it was going to rain. He had his entire Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he had a proud heritage, it still wasn’t going to rain.

    They argued back and forth for hours, so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

    During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen.

    That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

    "See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

    SWMBO admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"

    To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red, knows rain dear!"



    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


    Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman:

    1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
    2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
    3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
    4. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
    5. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
    6. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
    7. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
    8. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
    9. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
    10. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


    Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the
    Street.

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


    After eating too much over Christmas, and needing to shed a few kilos, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.

    As time progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error.

    There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: 'Serves 6'.

    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    Have a merry Christmas guys!


    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  2. #2
    Senior Member Digby's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    Great WalOne!

    I really liked Timmy's letters to Santa.

    Merry Xmas to you all
    So what colour is your Adkaf?
    Have you joined Proud to Be Kiwi yet?

  3. #3
    Not in dev/null yet ChazTheGeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    HAHAHA...Great Job Wal!
    ASUS P8P67-M Pro | i5 2500k 4.2GHz | Hyper 212 EVO | GTX 970OC | 500B SSD | 2x 1TB WD Caviar Blue | | 16GB RAM | Corsair 400R | RM850

  4. #4
    Senior in age member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    Good one wal. Loved the Parrot joke.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Gobe1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    These are Carols Haw Haw brilliant!
    thanks Wal you have done extremely well and the colours and festive-ness was great
    Multiplayer games are the Shizz "Theres nothing like killing your mates!" Me

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    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    You have surpassed yourself Well done Wal

  7. #7
    mikebartnz
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    Timmy's letter and the Irish man were the best.
    Computers are like Air Conditioners, they stop working when you open Windows.

  8. #8
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Smile Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    Thanks for the kudos, guys - but please remember this and the next two Mondays are a joint effort with R2x1
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  9. #9
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    Bugger Xmas in the Park - try this for kicks

    Fastest Christmas Carol - BMW's version




    (Kudos Whale Oil)
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  10. #10
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition

    I don't know how the jokes are making out, but we seem to be getting quite a few other peoples' weather.



    It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
    Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
    But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.... He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked.... 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
    The meteorologist at the weather service responded....'Yes...it looks that way'...
    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
    A week later, he called the National Weather Service and asks again.... 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
    'Yes'..... the man at National Weather Service again replied...... 'it is going to be a very cold winter.'
    The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
    'Absolutely,' the man replied...... 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
    'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

    The weatherman replied......'Well....for one.....the Indians are collecting an unbelievable load of firewood'
    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

    Or this slightly old tune that I should have found yesterday.
    Last edited by R2x1; 26-12-2012 at 04:47 PM.
    Entropy is not what
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