Monday Laughs ... racist jokes, blonde jokes, and double entendres

[WalOne]

The White Smoke has dissipated, so it’s now time to see if I can get you to laugh, cry, or cringe, as I present my very own selection of racist jokes, double entendres, blonde jokes, and token aviation jokes … with thanks to BillyT for volunteering me, and kenj for the Round Tuit …

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A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your a***hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?

She replied “probably fishing with his mates.”

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the lecture theatre …..

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My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra …..

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I went to the local roadside stall today and saw a sign that said: "ONE WATERMELON FOR $3 OR THREE FOR $10"

Instead of telling the guy behind the stall how stupid he was I decided to show him.

So I walked up to him and asked: "Can I buy a watermelon please?"

"Yes sir, that'll be three dollars."

I handed over the money and asked: "Actually, can I have another one please?"

"No problem sir, that's three dollars."

"Can I have one more?"

"Certainly sir, three dollars."

Smirking I said: "I've just bought three watermelons for nine dollars but on your sign it says ten. Don't you realise how stupid you are?"

"That happens a lot," he chuckled, "until I point out that you just bought three watermelons instead of one."

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I was just putting the cat out when the wife said, "Who the f**k set the cat alight?"

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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something,
“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."

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A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She Were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason
calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She Were Thin". He explodes – “fooking 'ell man,
you've left the fooking "e" out, you've left the fooking "e" out!” The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be
rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud -
"E, She Were Thin"..

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One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the first step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl was now mortified, and turned around furiously and told the man off. "How dare you touch my body that way," she yelled. "I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly for the third time, I kinda figured that we must be pretty good friends."

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Auckland Tower: "Air New Zealand One, cleared for takeoff"
Air New Zealand: "Tower, New Zealand One switching to departure ... by the way as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Auckland Tower: "Qantas 32 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Air New Zealand?"
Qantas 32: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers."

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An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days flight, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was staying at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said “I can’t get out of the room!” The captain asked, “why not?” She sobbed, “There are only three doors in here. One is to the bathroom, one is to the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Please Do Not Disturb.’”

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Cheers guys, hope this goes at least some way to meeting the standards of Billy T!

[tut]

Not bad Walone. Takes a lot to make me laugh but you succeded with that lot

[gary67]

Billy T look out Walone has thrown down the gauntlet

[Richard]

Well done Walone. All worthy for a Monday laughs.

[Gobe1]

Haw Haw brilliant Wall-e

[johcar]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[goodiesguy]

Great Jokes.

[Billy T]

Well done that man!

Good stuff and right up there with the best of them. I shall have to up my game a bit I think, my current stocks are definitely not up to that standard!

We had a fine time in Melbourne, experiencing the hottest day so far for 2012 (during which our hotel room aircon expired under the strain and the temp got to well over 40 degrees and was still climbing fast becaus we had a wall of windows facing the sun, and pulling the blinds down just seemed to make it hotter. We were moved to a new room within 30 minutes). That was followed by a few days of much cooler weather and rain. Seems like anything below 30c and Melbournians tog up like it is snowing, especially the asian students, but there were a few aussies with swannies on!

We also experienced the new train/tram fare-evader Transport-Police squads, and man do they mean business! They are in teams of 4 and come in at both ends of the tram or train. If anybody jumps off they all yell go go go! and pile off after them. Needless to say we bought electronic fare cards and swiped them religiously every time!

Nice enough place (We've been there a few times) but I wouldn't want to live there, too many people, too hot and it is chocka with aussies!

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

[johcar]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[pctek]

It is said an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
These days with many Muslim doctors here now, I find a bacon sandwich does the trick.