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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog........

    15 Differences between Aeroplanes and Women....

    1) Aeroplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

    2) Aeroplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

    3) Aeroplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

    4) Aeroplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

    5) Aeroplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

    6) Aeroplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

    7) Aeroplanes can be flown any time of the month.

    8) Aeroplanes don't come with in-laws.

    9) Aeroplanes don't care about how many other Aeroplanes you've flown before.

    10) Aeroplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

    11) Aeroplanes don't mind if you look at other Aeroplanes.

    12) Aeroplanes don't mind if you buy aeroplane magazines.

    13) Aeroplanes expect to be tied down.

    14) Aeroplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

    15) Aeroplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

    ...and One Similarity


    When Aeroplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually a very good indication that shlt is about to happen.

    *********************************


    Virus Alert!!!

    You have just got a dose of the "Harawira Virus"!!! Te whanau don't have any programming experience, so this virus gotta work on the honour system eh.

    Please deleet... dealite.. uh.... get rid of all the files on your hard drive eh, then manul.. mannull... manyuly send this virus to all te fullas on your mailing list.

    Thanks for your coperashun....cooperish... doing it for us eh Bro.

    *********************************


    Husband says to wife:

    "My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

    Wife says:

    "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

    *********************************


    Greetings from the Seven Dwarves of Menopause:

    Itchy

    Bitchy

    Sweaty

    Sleepy

    Bloated

    Forgetful

    and Psycho

    *********************************


    The Hospital Tax Audit

    At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

    "Good question," noted the CEO."We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

    "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question, "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

    *********************************


    A guy is 84 years old and loves to fish.

    He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

    'Pick me up.'

    He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

    'Pick me up.'

    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

    The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

    Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

    I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

    The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

    'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)

    Before you ask, no, Mrs T doesn't read Monday Laughs!!
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    Marriage Humour

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'

    Husband: 'Nothing.'

    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

    -------------------------------

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

    Wife: 'Yes or no.'

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Stress Reliever

    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
    troubles and lighten your burden.'

    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

    Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

    ------------------------------

    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
    he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

    Son: 'But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

    ________________________________

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
    father hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER
    WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
    Head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.
    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
    It that I found in your pants pocket'.
    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
    Of the horse I bet on.'
    The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
    head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
    Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned!'




    Last edited by wainuitech; 01-11-2010 at 12:06 PM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member roddy_boy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    Video removed by user?

  4. #4
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    The only laugh I have had today

  5. #5
    Senior Member Gobe1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    Great stuff guys
    I haven't got around to changing my speedy avatar yet....
    Multiplayer games are the Shizz "Theres nothing like killing your mates!" Me

  6. #6
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    Quote Originally Posted by roddy_boy View Post
    Video removed by user?
    Some stupid reason it wouldn't register.

    BUT my Son Saw my pay Cheque - his responce ----About right to

  7. #7
    Golden Oldie
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    About those 72 Virgins


    An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and
    appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did
    your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only
    18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school,
    I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins,
    who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have
    72 whores?"



    Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
    "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because
    Ars*h*l*s like you murdered them before they could
    experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're' here to
    service 'them.' Since they're virgins, they're quite
    sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant,
    exhausting duty."



    The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with
    that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied
    for all eternity?"



    And Allah replied,
    "Who said they were women?"

  8. #8
    IT Consultant johcar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    Nice, Ken!

    It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. -William G. McAdoo, lawyer and politician (1863-1941)

  9. #9
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

    Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
    "Are you the owner?"
    The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

    Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

    Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
    Pharmacist: "All kinds "

    Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    Jack: "How about suppositories?"
    Pharmacist: "You bet!"

    Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
    Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."

    Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
    Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

    Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
    Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

    Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
    Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.."

    Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
    Pharmacist: "Sure."

    Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

  10. #10
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog....

    Quote Originally Posted by wotz View Post
    Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

    Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
    "Are you the owner?"
    The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

    Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

    Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
    Pharmacist: "All kinds "

    Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    Jack: "How about suppositories?"
    Pharmacist: "You bet!"

    Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
    Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."

    Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
    Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

    Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
    Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

    Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
    Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.."

    Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
    Pharmacist: "Sure."

    Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
    I read this last week in the SAR newsletter

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