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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    What Starts with F and ends with K?

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the Principal what the situation was. The Principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9.'

    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the Principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The Principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

    Ms Brooks says to the Principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The Principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The Principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

    Harry: 'Coconut.'

    The Principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The Principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry: 'Firetruck.'

    The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

    *********************************


    Dog Logic

    The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

    There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

    A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

    The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

    Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

    If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

    My dog is worried about the economy because dog food is up to $5.00 a can. That's almost $35.00 in dog money.

    If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a human.

    Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

    If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

    *********************************


    A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom. 'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'

    Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease. Again the pilot gets on the intercom. 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'.

    'Africans, any Africans on board?'

    No one answers.

    'Ok then, 'B'.. Black people, any black people?'

    Silence.

    'C'.. - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?

    Again, silence.


    A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. 'But Mum, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'

    'Yes son, we is, but for the purpose of dis exercise, we's Niggas.

    Let dem English an' French an' Germans an' Italians, an' Mexicans an' Muslims go first.

    *********************************


    ADULT:
    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    BEAUTY PARLOR:
    A place where women curl up and dye.

    CANNIBAL:
    Someone who is fed up with people.

    CHICKENS:
    The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

    COMMITTEE:
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST:
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST:
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation..

    HANDKERCHIEF:
    Cold Storage.

    INFLATION:
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    MOSQUITO:
    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    RAISIN:
    Grape with a sunburn.

    SECRET:
    Something you tell to one person at a time.

    SKELETON:
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

    TOOTHACHE:
    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW:
    One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

    YAWN:
    An honest opinion openly expressed.

    and last but not least......

    WRINKLES:
    Something other people have, similar to my character lines.


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    Nice

  3. #3
    Noobish Pirate hueybot3000's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    Very clever, cheers billy

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    I like the one on dog logic. Very true that one.

  5. #5
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    A thoughtful Scotsman was heading out to the pub.

    He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
    She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub wi' you?'
    'Och nah.' Jock replied, 'I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  6. #6
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    Nice on again Billy. I don't know how you do it each week

  7. #7
    Frank and Earnest. Cicero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    New British emergency number for Muslims only
    Advice for all Muslim immigrants in Britain
    If you are trapped in a burning house or have been seriously injured and are bleeding to death, the new emergency number is:-






    08463871208666581209387153761008665131245408547352 70674586991233241657490768554109283657389999566322 084638712086665812093871537610086651
    31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566322084638712086665812093871 537610086651312454085473527067458699
    12332416574907685541092836573899995663224735270674 58699123324165749076855410928365738999956632238999 956630846387120866658120938715376100
    86651312454085473527067458699123324165749076855410 92836573899995663220846387120866658120938715376100 866513124540854735270674586991233241
    65749076855410928365738999956632238999956632208463 87120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270674 586991233241657490768554109283657389
    99956632247352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566308463871208666581209387153 761008665131245408547352706745869912
    33241657490768554109283657389999566322084638712086 66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
    22389999566322084638712086665812093871537610086651 31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 573899995663224735270674586991233241
    65749076855410928365738999956632238999956630846387 12086665812093871537610086651312454085473527067458 699123324165749076855410928365738999
    95663220846387120866658120938715376100866513124540 85473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956632208463871208666581
    20938715376100866513124540854735270674586991233241 65749076855410928365738999956632247352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
    22389999566308463871208666581209387153761008665131 24540854735270674586991233241657490768554109283657 389999566322084638712086665812093871
    53761008665131245408547352706745869912332416574907 68554109283657389999566322389999566322084638712086 665812093871537610086651312454085473
    52706745869912332416574907685541092836573899995663 22473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956630846387120866658120
    93871537610086651312454085473527067458699123324165 74907685541092836573899995663220846387120866658120 938715376100866513124540854735270674
    65749076855410928365738999956632238999956632208463 87120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270674 586991233241657490768554109283657389
    99956632247352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566308463871208666581209387153 761008665131245408547352706745869912
    33241657490768554109283657389999566322084638712086 66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
    22389999566322084638712086665812093871537610086651 31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 573899995663224735270674586991233241
    65749076855410928365738999956632238999956630846387 12086665812093871537610086651312454085473527067458 699123324165749076855410928365738999
    95663220846387120866658120938715376100866513124540 85473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956632208463871208666581
    20938715376100866513124540854735270674586991233241 65749076855410928365738999956632247352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
    22389999566308463871208666581209387153761008665131 24540854735270674586991233241657490768554109283657 389999566322084638712086665812093871
    31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566322084638712086665812093871 537610086651312454085473527067458699
    12332416574907685541092836573899995663224735270674 58699123324165749076855410928365738999956632238999 956630846387120866658120938715376100
    86651312454085473527067458699123324165749076855410 92836573899995663220846387120866658120938715376100 866513124540854735270674586991233241
    65749076855410928365738999956632238999956632208463 87120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270674 586991233241657490768554109283657389
    99956632247352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566308463871208666581209387153 761008665131245408547352706745869912
    33241657490768554109283657389999566322084638712086 66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
    22389999566322084638712086665812093871537610086651 31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 573899995663224735270674586991233241
    65749076855410928365738999956632238999956630846387 12086665812093871537610086651312454085473527067458 699123324165749076855410928365738999
    95663220846387120866658120938715376100866513124540 85473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956632208463871208666581
    20938715376100866513124540854735270674586991233241 65749076855410928365738999956632247352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
    22389999566308463871208666581209387153761008665131 24540854735270674586991233241657490768554109283657 389999566322084638712086665812093871
    53761008665131245408547352706745869912332416574907 68554109283657389999566322389999566322084638712086 665812093871537610086651312454085473
    52706745869912332416574907685541092836573899995663 22473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956630846387120866658120
    93871537610086651312454085473527067458699123324165 74907685541092836573899995663220846387120866658120 938715376100866513124540854735270674
    65749076855410928365738999956632238999956632208463 87120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270674 586991233241657490768554109283657389
    99956632247352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566308463871208666581209387153 761008665131245408547352706745869912
    33241657490768554109283657389999566322084638712086 66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
    22389999566322084638712086665812093871537610086651 31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 573899995663224735270674586991233241
    65749076855410928365738999956632238999956630846387 12086665812093871537610086651312454085473527067458 699123324165749076855410928365738999
    95663220846387120866658120938715376100866513124540 85473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956632208463871208666581
    20938715376100866513124540854735270674586991233241 65749076855410928365738999956632247352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
    22389999566344587774566321178512569874452115556874 41200362100254120025445004455899963214785203690258 01470052014061964224466880012345874.
    Thank You For Your Patience.
    "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." Cicero

  8. #8
    Frank and Earnest. Cicero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    Wonderful English from around the world


    In a Bangkok temple:

    IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

    Cocktail lounge, Norway:

    LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

    Doctors office, Rome:

    SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

    Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

    DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

    In a Nairobi restaurant:

    CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

    On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:

    TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

    On a poster at Kencom:

    ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

    In a City restaurant:

    OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

    In a cemetery:

    PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

    Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

    GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

    OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

    In a Tokyo bar:

    SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

    Hotel, Yugoslavia:

    THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

    Hotel, Japan:

    YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

    YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

    IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

    Hotel, Zurich:

    BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

    Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

    WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

    Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

    WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

    A laundry in Rome:

    LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
    "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." Cicero

  9. #9
    Senior Member roddy_boy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    Pretty sure the new British emergency number is 0118999881999119725 3

  10. #10
    Misc. User of PressF1 somebody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs................Kids 'n Dogs 'n Stuff...........

    Quote Originally Posted by roddy_boy View Post
    Pretty sure the new British emergency number is 0118999881999119725 3
    That show hasn't been on TV in years...
    Any views expressed here are my own and do not necessarily represent the views of my employer or any affiliated 3rd party.

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