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  1. #1
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Talking Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    Summer is coming: New Standard BBQ Operating Procedures released today -- please learn

    We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    Routine...

    (1) The woman buys the food.

    (2) The woman makes the salads, prepares the vegetables, and makes desserts.

    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.


    Here comes the important part:

    (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

    (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.


    Important again:

    (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

    (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


    And most important of all:

    (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

    (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

    Tomorrow he'll remind her to clean the barbeque...............


    *********************************


    Canadian Humor


    The day after his wife disappeared in a Kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties on his doorstep.

    "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife" said one Mountie

    "Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.

    The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

    The Mountie said, "I am sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Bay.

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

    The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

    Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

    The Mountie responded, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

    *********************************


    A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

    The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and she was somewhat upset.

    'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

    And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

    And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home from the office, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

    I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

    Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she take a shower while I washed and dried her clothes and I loaned her that bathrobe I bought for your birthday that you don't wear because it doesn't have the right label in it. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were not just dirty, they were also full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she oviously needed fresh clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I gave ther that jacket you haven't worn since your sister bought one just like it. I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

    The husband took a quick breath and continued 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

    'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

    *********************************


    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

    'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it... It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

    So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp * rm sample for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm... Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

    *********************************


    It's so dry in West Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

    Now THAT's Dry!!

    *********************************


    The $100 bill

    It's a hot, steamy August day in a resort town that sits on the shores of a small lake. It's raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough in the recession, everybody in town is in debt and living on credit. A rich tourist drives into town, enters the local hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs before picking one for the night.


    When the tourist is out of sight, the hotel proprietor pockets the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the Butcher. The Butcher, in turn, takes the 100 dollar bill, runs down the block and pays his debt to the pig farmer who's about to do his weekly shopping at the Co-Op. The pig farmer heads on into the store and pays his feed and fuel bill to the store owner. The Co-Op manager grabs the 100 dollar bill and runs up the back stairs of the hotel to pay his debt to the town prostitute who, in these hard times, had been giving her "services" on credit. The hooker skips down the front stairs to the reception desk and happily pays off her room rental account to the proprietor with the same 100 dollar bill.

    At this point, the hotel proprietor places the 100 dollar bill back on the counter, exactly where the tourist had left it earlier so he won't suspect he's done anything with it. Seconds later, the tourist returns and says, "Sorry. I didn't really like any of the rooms," picks up his 100 dollar bill, and leaves town.

    No one actually earned anything, however, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)

    Don't forget to give your wife/ significant other the new BBQ rules.
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  2. #2
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    Thanks Billy 8-{) , makes an excellent early start to OUR week anyway. Hope yours goes just as well.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  3. #3
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    WOW a day earlier than usual

  4. #4
    Elite Member Orca's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    I roll up to the Jet Star check-in counter with my luggage and the man asked me the usual questions like my name and asked for some ID. I gave that to him and that was fine.
    Jet Star: "Any flammable liquids, lighters, aerosols?"
    Me: "Yes a souvenir lighter that I'm taking back home with me."
    Jet Star: "That's ok you can carry that on board, you'll just need to take that out of your baggage and carry it on the plane with you. Just put it in your pocket."
    Me: "Huh? why is that, are you sure?"
    Jet Star: "Just so you can flick it off if it ignites."

    I took my baggage back to remove the lighter and gave it to my cousin to keep. But I was still puzzled that I could take a lighter on board with me. Not sure it would've gotten through the security checkpoint screen though. I guess its ok to set fire to the cabin while in flight these days... Can't say I felt very safe if I'm allowed to carry lighters on board what else do they allow on their flights...

    This is a true story, it happened to me last weekend while trying to fly out of Queenstown. Fortunately the weather was bad so the flight got cancelled. Absolutely ridiculous and would never fly Jet Star again.

  5. #5
    Senior Member pctek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    Lighters are considerably more dangerous than matches, in that they contain volatile hydrocarbons in a system designed for normal atmospheric conditions. When taken on an aircraft the closed environment and reduced preasure gives rise to venting from the lighter and a build up of hydrocarbons in the cabin.

    Also the level of oxygen in an aircraft can be significantly higher than that found at sea level, vastly reducing the Lower Explosive Limit (LEL) of the hydrocarbons.

    The obvious dangers are the small increase in the risk of fire or explosion.


    It makes no difference which airline you use, they all ban them from luggage.
    wipe your paws.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    Quote Originally Posted by pctek View Post
    some individual's speculation

    It makes no difference which airline you use, they all ban them from luggage.
    The CAA here http://www.caa.govt.nz/aerodromes/Da..._Crew_2009.pdf say

    "One small packet of safety matches or a cigarette lighter that does not contain unabsorbed liquid fuel (other than liquefied gas), intended for use by an individual when carried on the person. Matches or lighters are not permitted in check or carry-on baggage. Lighter fuel and lighter refills are not permitted on one’s person, in carry-on or checked baggage."

  7. #7
    6146-B Billy T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    OK

    Getting back the main purpose of this thread...............


    There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"

    A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships we can send to help people in need; how many does France have?"

    You could have heard a pin drop.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A high-ranking U.S. Naval Officer was attending a naval conference that included Senior Officers from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, New Zealand and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

    Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French Officer suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

    Without hesitating, the American Officer replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

    You could have heard a pin drop.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

    Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France
    previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." the officer sniped.

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country from the Nazi occupation, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

    You could have heard a pin drop.


    Cheers

    Billy 8-{)
    Some days it's not even worth chewing through my restraints!

  8. #8
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    Oh, the diversions were all in a lighter vein.
    Entropy is not what
    it used to be.



  9. #9
    Frank and Earnest. Cicero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    'If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
    "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." Cicero

  10. #10
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday Laughs........Sunday Night edition, I'm off early tomorrow...........

    Quote Originally Posted by Cicero View Post
    'If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
    Might have to ask the Other half that.

    Please note: If I'm not about for a while its because she belted me with the frying pan

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