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View Full Version : Monday Laughs: Of Extra-Marital Affairs.......



Billy T
03-09-2007, 08:22 AM
The 1st Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but often talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. The wife soon got pregnant and in due course delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new child, but was horrified to find that his long awaited son and heir was the ugliest baby he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 2nd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery: Schwartz had the most gigantic private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," the mortician said softly, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It simply must be saved for posterity." So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, as he opened his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 3rd Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs with my wife. The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I must confess to you that I have slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

rob_on_guitar
03-09-2007, 09:41 AM
He he, I liked the 4th

SolMiester
03-09-2007, 09:42 AM
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.



He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"



She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."



"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"



"We use it for sex."



The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"



The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

KenESmith
03-09-2007, 10:03 AM
A husband came home from the pub one evening and said to his wife, " I met our milkman in the pub and he told me he had screwed every woman in our street except one"
The wife replied., " I bet it is that miserable ***** Clark in number 29"

smithie 38
03-09-2007, 11:35 AM
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old Gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer".

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing. Who was the old man I had to share the room with?

SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING ! ! !

************************************************** ***

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she
passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their
way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother
Superior said, "Good morning sisters."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the
other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the
Sisters
who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted
them
with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you
wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank
you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother
Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an
irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking
down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching, step by step, with her walker.

As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to
arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good
morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God
watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on
the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant,
but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior
in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's
just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

:D

qazwsxokmijn
03-09-2007, 03:27 PM
A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend when the phone rang.

She answered the call and went back to bed. "Who was that?" Asked the husband's best friend, to which the woman replied with:

"Oh, it's my husband. He called to tell me that he's having a great time fishing with you and your wife"

wratterus
03-09-2007, 04:33 PM
The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them. They left the office for her place and made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, and woke up hours later, at about 8 pm. As the boss threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Though mystified by his unusual request, she complied nonetheless. Then, the boss quickly slipped into his shoes and raced home.

"Where have you been!" demanded the boss's wife when he finally entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and I woke up just minutes ago. I raced home as quick as I could."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Don't lie to me, you bastard! I know you've been out playing golf again!"

Morgenmuffel
04-09-2007, 01:34 PM
Ok well this isn't a joke about adultery, but rather a place you can go afterwards so there is no tra (http://nigel.geek.nz/manwash.php)ce,

Misty
04-09-2007, 07:29 PM
Ok well this isn't a joke about adultery, but rather a place you can go afterwards so there is no tra (http://nigel.geek.nz/manwash.php)ce,

Brilliant !!
Misty :D Lol

joemac
04-09-2007, 07:36 PM
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she looked into a room and witnessed a male patient masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why isn't anyone stopping him?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh in that case I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. The woman iommediately turned to the doctor and screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"



"Same illness; better health plan."